Transcript: There's a Hole in the Bucket!

Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom and a grandma. This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever, while you parent together.  You know, and I know, this is not an easy task. So I encourage you to get the support that you like  by subscribing to the US and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. I'm glad you're here so that your marriage in your home can be so fulfilling. And so, very good. 

Today we're talking about a hole in our bucket. I'm curious. Do you know this song? It's about two characters, Henry and Eliza. Henry has a leaky bucket and Eliza just wants him to fix it. This song came, we think, from Germany in about the 1400s. On the website you will find a link to the song if you want to play it and learn to sing it with your kids because it's a kid song. It can be a bit annoying at times but I think there's a lesson or two to learn from it. 

So here we go. The song -  I won't sing it for you but the song goes in essence like this. Henry has a leaky bucket.  Eliza tells him to fix it. To fix a leaky bucket, He needs some straw, but to cut the straw he needs an axe, to sharpen the axe, he needs a stone. The stone has to be wet, so he needs water, but to fetch water. He needs a bucket, which has a hole in it. 

Oh my word. Right? My question for you is, are there decisions made in your house that sound like this song? There's a resistance to every answer you offer?. Eliza seems to have an answer for everything Henry asks, and he has a pushback or, "I don't.." or "I can't..."  Or "What about..."  I am sure that those things can happen for you as well.  Eliza just has an attitude and a space that says, "Do It Yourself! "Quit asking me!" and Henry just keeps pestering. 

When someone seems to ask you what seems like an idiotic question, how do you feel? Do you wonder "Why am I answering this??"  It's your two year old is two, three year old, it's your seven year old, it's a 14 year old, it's your 17 year old. That's also your husband or your wife. Right?  It happens all over the place. 

See the song starts out with that rather simple, little problem. It is just simple: There's a hole in the bucket. But for us, there might be a hole in our heart, or a hole in the bedtime plan, or in the weekly schedule or who's getting the kiddos to daycare, or picking up the groceries. And it doesn't seem like the solution has to be that tricky, but you can't seem to find the solution. And one of you just want it fixed. Don't chat about it.  Don't sing about it. Just fix it! And the other one seems to have a roadblock, and a reason why "that" won't work... every time we turn around. Eliza is tired. She has to keep coming up with another plan that Henry isn't resistant to. Could be a familiar conversation, right?  

Well, how do we end this in your household without ending up where Eliza and Henry end up? They end up back where they started from - with  we've got a hole in our bucket!  We're going to help Henry and Eliza resolve the hole in their bucket. What could they do differently?  They might, I might suggest, examine the hole in the bucket, a bit more together. Because it sounds like they never really looked together at the hole. She just wants Henry to fix it. And Henry never directly asks for help. He simply states the obvious. There's a hole in the bucket - and what should I use to fix it? He stops thinking for himself. And she can't seem to bring forward something, a response that he is content or thinks will work.

Both of them looking at the bucket together and actually thinking out loud, about what might be a good solution might have been a good start. You are right, we often have to throw out seven ideas before we come up with a reasonably good idea. And then that probably has to be fine tuned too. But I would have suggested that to them. Take a look at it. What do you think will fix the hole? And if Eliza had actually asked, Henry that question. "What do you think Henry will fix this hole?" Henry might have an idea that he would actually be able and willing to do. Because right now they're just playing ping pong; bouncing their answers back and forth with each other without any one of them saying, "Oh, I could try that." 

I don't know if one of them had a really strong attachment to the bucket or if there was an emotional significance to the bucket. But that might have been an important part, and for you might be an important part of looking at the bucket together. Is there a strong attachment to this, for some reason?, Maybe there's a good reason, maybe there's a good attachment. That means we have to protect the bucket a bit more. Is there any emotional significance that says we are just dumping the bucket and getting a different one? We have to keep this one, and keep it working. If one of those thoughts are true, then you work to come up with a doable solution that is wise and agreeable. And, I suppose, if one of them was really determined that they had to keep the bucket then they might also be willing to get information from someone else. Another perspective and understanding might be helpful.  

For you as you work on your marriage and parenting together, sometimes getting another opinion or information from other people about how they do bedtime, how they get their kiddos to sleep might be helpful.  You might also learn from others how they seem to keep their money balanced and not always run out. 

We take courses,  listen to our friends, you might check in with your parents if they're helpful. This is also a place where you could take something like DNA for Fun Communications Course and help you figure out what's important and how to build a solution together. 

Let's talk through a few scenarios. First of all, there's a hole in my heart. I'm the wife or the husband and my hole is called lonely, or there might be a hole in my kiddos heart too, or a hole in your spouse's heart, there could be holes all over the place. We would first think about how we want conversation to be. Where are we trying to go with it? What do we want to end up with? 

That is the Desire in the DNA for Fun. Maybe we want more connection, often that brings down the loneliness. When there's more connection usually there's more affirmation, and more encouragement as well. And then what listening skills or emotional control skill, am I going to need to get that end Desire -  to that greater level of connection?  So maybe I imagine I'm sitting down and I'm studying the bucket with the hole in my heart.  I have to sit still a little bit, with my heart and my mind so that I can absorb and understand what my spouse's loneliness, or my kiddo's loneliness is about. They're going to tell me about the hole and I'm going to listen carefully so that I understand it. I probably will have to practice silence. Not disinterest, but really silent that is quiet.  This gives room for empathy as I just absorb how they're describing their hole. And then I'm going to use my words carefully so that I build that calm; that affirmation that helps bring about connecting that will matter to our kiddos and to our spouse. 

So it might sound like this from my seven year old little guy. "Nobody invites me to their birthday parties.  Joey's having one tomorrow and I know cuz Seth told me about it. Seth was surprised that I wasn't coming. No one invites me to anything!"  As the mom or the dad I could be like Henry in the song, and just have a fast response to rebuttal to the viewpoint of my seven year old.

"Oh, you're fine. You don't want to go to that party with Joey anyways!  And besides that, we're gonna be out and about with our family so you wouldn't be able to go anyway so it doesn't matter."

 I'm not sure that that closed up and reconnected me to my seven year old. But what if I settle down  my own pain about the rejection my little seven year old is feeling. I take a deep breath. I use some self control. And I'm going to use my listening skill and empathy to say something like, "Oh, that's hard. I'm really sorry Joey didn't invite you. You know, I can hear from what Seth said that he wishes you were coming, and he surprised you aren't that Seth is a little sad too aren't coming. What do you think Seth thinks of you?"

My little guy is focusing on what Joey thinks and is feeling rejection.  However, Seth has sent a really nice message of affirmation. And that's where I want my little guy to go. My little guy is swirling right now into the, " I'm no good and nobody likes me and everybody hates me." So I want my little guy to refocus back on himself. I want him to evaluate, "What makes you a good, important friend?"  I want him to realize that people that affirm or reject you and your own evaluation skills are really important in terms of how much you absorb someone else's rejection. This is a seven year old, so I'm going to do it at a seven year old level. It's the A and D in DNA for Fun. So I'm gonna listen and think like a seven year old. A = Apply those skills at his level. 

Well, what about the hole in your heart between you and your spouse?  We're going to use some of the same skills. We want to know what the topic is.  What is this hole about? We're going to look at the bucket together. And together we're going to agree to talk about that loneliness, or that ache or that sadness, when we're both awake and we're both calm. It's part of what we learned about in that DNA for Fun Communications Course. Know where you want this conversation to end and work your skills to get there, using calm emotional control and balance, listening accurately, not to just what do the words of your spouse say, but what do they emotionally mean? And then appropriately add touch and eye contact, so you can get everything moving again in the right direction. It will fix the hole. I'm pretty sure that if Henry and Eliza had evaluated the bucket with the hole together, they would have had a much better conversation that would have noticed things about the bucket.

And maybe as you guys talk about your relationship you notice your relationship bucket sort of getting holes all over it. Whoo, let's get it fixed here folks! Look at the particular hole. You look for what is significant about it and about what is different than before? What's the same?  And what skills are we going to use to rebound this hole and our relationship back together again? I think for Henry and Eliza, this would have been more concise, less frustrating conversation. And in that DNA for Fun Communications Course we're going to look at the places in your buckets that have holes. And then we're going to help you put your bucket together again and fix those holes so that your bucket is strong and useful. And we'll make it so that  you don't spin in this circle that Henry and Eliza are stuck in!  It's exhausting, and the poor kid never gets his water from what I can figure out!  

So, take a look at the US and Kids website, because it will have the DNA for Fun Communications Course on it. We're starting it up again, sort of the middle, end of June, and it can run for five weeks or can run for eight weeks: your choice. You will find that it will strengthen that bucket of relationships that you have - the ones that are precious to you. 

Once again, thank you for listening and for joining me today. You know, we have a Facebook page out there that shares a video on Fridays and will encourage you along the way. You're worth it. Keep working towards  seeing the funny songs and singing them together with joy! Build good memories! 

We'll talk to you again later. Bye bye!

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