Transcript: Speechless!!

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together!  You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

So I'm glad you're here and I'm glad you're a part of the Us and Kids Community, so that we can encourage each other to make our homes, our marriages, and our family life so very, very good.

And today, what are we talking about a sentence that kept coming into my mind. It is,  "I have nothing to say!"  And as I carried that thought a little further I realized all the times we can think some version of that thought.  Such as, "I'm a little leery..." "I am a little brain dead."  And so this is what kept coming to my mind: "I have nothing to say." Now, if this were going to be a joke, I would say, "So that's all folks!!"  and then I turn off my microphone and go on my way. However, in my silly brain, “I have nothing to say” created all sorts of things to say! 

So here we go with  "I have nothing to say!" Think of all the ways you can say this sentence.  I can say it  like I am ticked off:. "I have nothing else to say to you!"

Or, "I don't know. I have nothing to say”, in a sad tone of voice.

Or the weary sounds as I fall asleep:  "Oh. Oh, nothing."  You probably can think of a few other ways to say that phrase! 

So, let's go with a few of them. 

First of all:  "I have nothing to say!"  that comes out of anger; "I am so ticked at you, I've mostly just want to spit. And I have nothing to say that would have any honor, or anything in it that I want to share with you. So, I have nothing to say!!"

 It is a packed sentence, isn't it?! In that moment of anger of "I have nothing to say", you are saying a lot. In all of that emotional energy coming out of that. I hear:

"I have nothing to say because you were stupid.

"I have nothing to say because I don't want to waste my breath on you anymore. 

I have nothing to say, because you won't ever understand it anyways. I am smarter than you. 

I have nothing to say because you are the scum of the earth and I'm not going to waste any more energy here.

That's not really a very pleasant "I have nothing to say." sentence.  Not sure why I started with that one but I did.

So in those moments I'm going to suggest that you do just that: say nothing. 

Walk away. 

Take some breaths. 

Count to 10. 

Say every other letter of the alphabet. 

Give your brain room to reset. 

It could well be that you have said all that should be said right now. And that nothing else needs to be said, or nothing that is said will be helpful. In either case, your brain is being pretty smart and telling you to bite your tongue. Be quiet and reset. 

And when you come back from being speechless in the "I have nothing to say", make sure you have written down what you do want to say, so that if someone said those words (that you have now written down) to you, you will be able to incorporate it into your emotions and into your being and find something helpful and useful from it. 

Another way of saying, "I have nothing to say!" is when something is so awesome!!

I have nothing to say: "It's so perfect the way it is!" Oh, I hope you've been there from time to time...those times that all you want to do is just stand and feel the joy and the completeness. This is what I experienced at once when one of my friend's kids who had a severe spinal injury stood and walked. I had nothing to say.

What can you say, besides just be filled with joy. Sometimes when a baby is born, sometimes when we hear wonderful news of something that people have been hoping and praying for for a long, long time - there's just joy in that that leaves us speechless. It doesn't leave us empty. It leaves us so full of emotion that we don't have adequate English words for it. In those moments, take a minute to just let your heart beam right out of your body and out of your face. Let those tears of joy, fill up and run down your face. It's okay. We don't have these happy, happy moments too often so when we do, just savor it for a minute - without shame, just with joy. This is sometimes where that picture is worth 1000 words. Smile, however you would like to show that joy, do that and recognize that sometimes words are worthless here. 

Another time when there's, " I have nothing to say", is when we're brain dead. This is when I'm too tired I can't think. I can't problem solve it. I am out of creativity.  I feel like I've hit the brick wall 92 times. And I can't come up with a workable and doable solution that will please everybody! This often means that we're overthinking. And that we're over pleasing. It could also mean that we do not feel heard ourselves and that we really want someone to understand us. An example of this  "brain dead thought" might be when trying to figure out how to get the kids to and from school. We know it's just a simple logistics thing but figuring out the Wednesday plan is impossible.  You've called 11 people to see once if they can get the kids home. They can't, or it seems like they won't. You've tried to rearrange work and that's not happening.

You can't get the situation to shift and give that 30 minute movement that you need. School doesn't have after school care. We can't stay home virtually one day out of the week, and on and on it goes. You're exhausted from trying to figure it out. 

When we feel that way and then we talk to our spouse about it, and they just say,  "I don't know. I can't help, so figure it out." Now, you're brain dead and lonely and isolated. So, this brain dead came from overthinking, trying to problem solve, not being successful, but then also feeling isolated. And now feeling somewhat hopeless too. And this "speechless" has a bit of despair in it. When you hear someone like this and someone under this kind of pressure, come alongside them. Their creativity will open up when they have a little bit more hope. And so being able to say to them.

"You're right, you've checked this out well! It does feel sort of stuck."

Come up with a couple of other ideas, even if it is, let's figure it out one week at a time right now and see what we can put together. But offer some hope. Also, just offer some compassion, "You're stuck! This is hard. We've never been in such crazy places here, where people won't let other kids in their cars, where everybody is so cautious. You're right -  you're in a pickle!"

Another approach might be to offer a friend who maybe can do it. And you offer some other supportive ideas, but mostly you offer compassion, and you honor their efforts. As you're able to do that,  often, then their creativity and hope goes up, and they can think outside the box once again. It's important to do that when somebody has this speechless with nothing else to say and no other way to think about it. Come alongside him. You've got a smart brain! Help him/her out a little bit. 

What about the "I have nothing to say" because I am too tired.

There are times when we're just brain dead. We have done all of the thinking and problem solving and solution things that we can come up with. We have felt all the things that we can feel. We're done - mentally, emotionally sometimes spiritually sometimes physically - done. This is really when we just want to tuck you in bed, and with grace and with compassion, we just tuck the blanket around your shoulders. We give you a little backrub. And we say, "Just go to sleep. We'll figure out whatever else we need to in the morning. You've done a great job today. And now, just rest."

 And sometimes people like to write a little bit or they like to read, or they like to pray or listen to quiet music, because it helps their mind finish turning off. It helps their emotions be quiet as well. And now this speechless "I have nothing to say"  goes to sleep that is restful and calm.

Tomorrow morning, they'll have something to say, when they wake up. They'll have some new ideas, and they'll feel a little bit more hope and a little bit more clarity. And then, life will be able to move on again. 

One other space where we might have "I have nothing to say" in this place of depression and anxiety. We're too tired and weary, because the emotions are too heavy. In these places I want to remind you to look up. This is physically lifting up your head and looking around. As you move your eyes - notice things around you, and find two or three things that are somewhat pleasant or pretty. This will often help your brain reset a little bit. Sometimes when there's nothing to say in the middle of this depression or in the frozenness of anxiety we want to remind you to drink some water. Eat some protein and move your body. All of those things help our brain move which will help us figure out what to say, and what to value , and how to communicate it in a way that other people will listen to at least some of it.

 And so, in those places of depression and sadness and of worry. It can also be helpful to just write. Now sometimes it's just write down a song that's going through your head. Sometimes write down the sentence that you just keep thinking, over and over. Funny things happen to our brains and help us be able to think again, when we just put things on paper. You don't have to show it to anybody. It's just the process of getting it out of your brain and putting it on paper, which frees up space in your brain to think something that is more productive and more helpful and more hopeful. 

As always, here’s what to do if you're in those places of "I have nothing to say" because I'm worth nothing, I cannot think of anything. There's nobody who wants me or needs me or values me” Do this: Slow down on those thoughts and come back to a place that says, “When I'm not so weary I will have better thoughts.

Get some social support. Email me at [email protected] and I'll help you get connected to somebody in your area to help you adjust your thinking  living skills. 

Remember that the DNA for Fun Communications Course addresses depression and anxiety and this speechlessness at any space in so many of its modules. 

I'm cheering for you all. I know sometimes it's a relief to be speechless. Sometimes it's just frustrating. Today I hope that now you know what to do when you are speechless or when someone around you is speechless. Encourage them and encourage each other. Be kind and compassionate and all those words that have value and encouragement and hope will come back to your brain and come tumbling pleasantly right out of your mouth, so that you and other people live better.

Being married forever while you parent together, sometimes takes words, sometimes takes actions. Stay in it together. 

And once again, thank you for joining.

Glad to chat with you for just a few minutes today and hope that you have a lot of fun with each other.  Bye bye.