Transcript: ID and Personality Development of a Little One

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together!  You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

Today, we're talking about how to parent healthy children, emotionally healthy children. This is not so much about the food that we feed them, although certainly we know that food impacts kiddos' behaviors and moods. We also know that how your marriage is, impacts how the kiddos are, but we're not really going to talk about your marriage either. We're going to do some psychobabble, because there are some fairly well established stages in terms of how a child develops psychosocially, so psychologically and emotionally. These are the stages from a gentleman called Eric Erickson.  He has been around for quite a while.   He has some things that are based out of Freud, but from my experience, as I pay attention to the Erickson stuff, I see it play out with a lot of truth. 

So I just thought, let's get some of this in the hands of parents, so they can understand what their kiddos are trying to do.  Kiddos move through some pretty consistent ways of developing their emotions and their psychology. This is not directly about how to develop their personality, but their personality will certainly play a role in terms of how this looks for each kiddo. So, you and I both know, if you have more than one kiddo, every kiddo is different.   So our approach, even though the stage may be the same, the approach for each one of our kiddos might need to be quite different. So let's just listen in here for a little bit, and I'll try not to overwhelm you with the psychobabble. But, I will try to make it usable for you. 

So the first stage is a stage called trust versus mistrust. Okay, let's pause for just one more second here. One more thing I want to say is, there are eight stages from infancy through death.  I'm not sure I'm going to make it, on this podcast, all the way through to the end of life, because it won't impact your parenting very much. And, because, we might run out of time. But the thing that I do want to say is that each stage is named similar to the first stage. Trust versus mistrust, and it sounds like it's an either-or. But it's not either-or. We think about this in terms of being on a continuum, or on a sliding scale. So on the one end of the continuum is 100% Trust. On the other end of the continuum is 100% mistrust.  Rarely do people fall in either one of those places, rather it's where they land on the continuum, and how they worked to get there. This continuum idea will be what we use for every stage. We will think about how they learn to trust and who and how to trust and how and who to not trust. So let's just be pretty clear about when it says either or, that we're talking about a sliding scale. Okay? All right.

Back to the first stage, which is trust versus mistrust, once again on a sliding scale. It is the first experience that a kiddo has, and it develops this trust of human beings from the minute they're born and into the first year of life. It is the basis on which all of the other stages develop.  So it's important to the best that we can, so we work this so that our little one knows that we are dependable and trustworthy. This little one is so absolutely dependent on us. This little squishy ball relies on us to feed him or her, to hold, to open up all of those little neurons that we need for touch, and for knowing how to physically connect. They rely on us to keep them clean, to keep them warm, to cool them off. They also rely on us to learn how to talk, and how to look around, and how to pay attention. They rely on us to learn in some ways how to roll over.  And who to trust and who to not trust. 

They need everything from us. And if we don't, and we are not able to give them adequate care and love, they learn to not really depend on adults. And this is the base where they learn this. They don't learn this when they're four or five.  This is one of the very first things they develop. And so, if and when a kiddo develops trust, you will see it, because they will feel safe and secure. Meaning that as we move through the stages, they will have more confidence. They will take on tasks on their own.  As they develop, they will manage both things they don't do well, as well as, manage things they do well.   With confidence, they will develop compassion and empathy. 

This place of trust, in the infant places we may think, “Well, they don't really even know.  They can't really even understand us.  Often in the beginning, they can't even really see me very clearly.” It matters. Hold those little ones. Talk to them. Reassure them.  Comfort them, comfort them, comfort them. Gently love them. Play with them. Talk baby talk to them. Because in every way, you're telling them, I'm here for you. And that is the base of which all the other stages are developed from. 

When they develop this kind of trust, they learn reliability; they learn care; and they learn affection. As they do, the kiddos develop hope. This is in the first year of life where this base, which is one of the strongest emotional bases, develops Hope.. Erickson describes hope as an openness to experience, tempered by some wariness that danger may be present.  

John Bowlby and Mary Ensign, in further study of this stage note that when good trust is developed, a balance of hope, with wariness or caution, builds a path to creating healthy attachments to other people.

 So let's move on to shame and doubt. Stage one of trust is important. Here's stage two. Kiddos get a little bit older, we're going to be more in this space of two years old to  four or five years old. Okay, maybe a little bit younger than that.  This is their place where the kiddo wants to start having some of their own say so. They're developing language.  They've learned how to move around some on their own.  Usually by now, they’re walking. So they've taken over crawling. They’ve figured out how to rollover.  They've figured out they can do more things with their hands, with their feet, and with their mouth. They're a little bit more personality.  And they are ready for a little bit of independence. 

This stage is called autonomy versus shame and doubt. If you have a one and a half to a three and a half year old, you know what this looks like. This is where we often see temper tantrums, because they want to do it. And it's, "me do!" And it's, "no!" And it's, "mine!" They want to perform some of these simple basic things on their own, and let themselves be heard about what they prefer. In this stage we allow kids to make some choices. Pick your shoes. Pick your PJs. You want to try combing your hair, let's just make sure the brush doesn't get tangled up. So, we're going to give them some sense of autonomy.  

In this stage for my kids, we had two toothbrushes. They brushed with one.  I brushed their teeth with the other. That way we actually got it done. So, when they said they wanted to “Do it!”, we said good.  We didn't have to take their sense of autonomy, the "This is mine!" away from them, while I finished up cleaning the cavity creepers out of their teeth. 

This is the stager when we think they're going to learn how to use that bathroom, and I'm going to be done with diapers. Right.??!!  But this sense of learning how to control your body in this magical sense is really amazing for kids. As we help them learn how to do that without shame, but with a lot of encouragement and affirmation, they learn that they can have control over things they don't even fully understand. Kids who struggle or who are shamed for what they choose or do by sentences such as, "Well, that's dumb - those shoes are on the wrong feet" or, "your shirt is inside out", and are shamed for those things, begin to build within them a belief that they can't do it right. And they begin to believe that they don't have personal control. And so they become unsure of themselves and don't trust themselves. But they also become more wary of the people around them, wondering if those around them are supportive or out to get them.

You see success here, when they are learning to do things by themselves and when we keep saying "Yeah for you!" We will need to  correct things from time to time, but do it in a very positive way. Then our kiddos feel like they're autonomous. But when they're shamed, or blamed, or ridiculed, or mocked, then they have feelings of shame and doubt. Now remember, this is a sliding scale, and parents, we don't do this perfectly. On the balance, the kids who work their way through this stage nicely, feel fairly secure and confident. Our kiddo’s are somewhere between one and a half and three and a half years old so we give them a little space and grace here. Our parenting goal is to protect them from an overwhelming sense of inadequacy and self doubt. What we want is a balance between the autonomy and the shame or doubt as this will  lead to development of will. The first stage was hope. This stage is to have a will.  This means that children can act with intention and have reasonable limits and expectations.

Stage Three is called initiative versus guilt. And, it takes place during the preschool years, which is really that four, five, or six.  It's sort of funny in terms of how we have adjusted so when we're actually going to kindergarten, and when these stages were really developed. So this is your 3 ½ years old to 5 ½ years old kiddo. And here, the kids want to assert a little bit more of their power and control. This happens now by directing their play and their other social interactions. This is where we say, "They are bossy...Oh my goodness!"  What they're doing is trying to develop initiative. This is where they want to be able to impact and lead other people.  When they feel like they're not developing this skill well, they develop instead, a sense of guilt or self doubt.  And they don't want to start things. They hang back.

Now a pause here for just a minute. Because this also is a part of a kiddo's personality. Some of our kids that are more naturally introverted... they are a little bit more “I just want to watch and see.”  They are still developing capability and ability to lead others.  But they're going to  do it a bit less boisterously.   And when our introverted kiddos step up and speak up, be sure to listen and respond. They might say something like, “I want my dolly to wear that dress." And as soon as they speak up, we hope, and, we encourage, the other kiddos to listen. So, for our more shy kids, we back them up and reinforce them a bit more than our more outgoing kids.  When they speak up, sometimes, we add a little oomph to "What dress did you say you wanted her to wear?" And then we encourage them to say it again, so that they see that they have this influence when they take the initiative.  They have to begin to assert that control and power over their environment. We can see this develop as they play with their dolls and play with their trucks. And it happens when they play with you and with another sibling.   

Most of this happens in the social environment, but it can be in the social environment of their pretend world, as well as the social environment of their real world. It leads to a sense of purpose. These kids are trying to find a balance here. Because we all know that a kid who gets to be too bossy experiences disapproval. Not just from the adults around who are saying "Whoa, back down. No. You can't do that you can't be that pushy." But that disapproval also comes from the other kiddos. And, if that happens intensely or frequently then they develop this sense of guilt. So as we guide them here, we're gentle about it and help them process what's the best way to influence and lead others. How do we know when our kid was on the right path here? It's when we see that they're willing to work with others. We can see that a purpose for what they're doing emerges, if we say, "Why were you doing it that way?"  They could say, "Because I wanted all the red trucks lined up in a row. Because it was going from biggest to smallest, and Johnny wanted to put the other truck right in the middle of the red ones. He can't do it. They were going from biggest to smallest." Listen to his want to exert power over Johnny's truck, and the white truck, over his cars and trucks, and trying to find a way to get Johnny to cooperate.  In this kiddo’s mind it was very wrong to have the white one go in with the red one. So we, as parents, help our kiddo to learn language about how to talk to Johnny about where he would want the white one to go.

A quick review so far: The first stage is to help our kiddos grow emotionally while they learn that we are trustworthy.  And then they learned how to become a little bit more independent. And they learn that they can have confidence in what they want to achieve and that they won't be shamed or blamed. They aren't filled with doubt about their ideas.  And that gives them the freedom to develop this initiative of "I want to try this." "I want somebody to do this for me." 

And, as that initiative grows, without a lot of guilt, they can move into stage four, which is industry versus inferiority. This stage, the fourth one, takes place in our early school years, so we think ages five to 11. In ages five to 11, our kids are often engaged in school, and there's a lot of social interaction. We can see them wanting to develop a sense of pride in what they achieve, and what they can do.  This might be reading their first word. I was with a little kid this week as we were driving, and came to a stop sign.  He read the word open, but he's learning to read.  It was a red flashing, open sign on the store, and he read it "op-pen." And,and I was like, "op-en?" As I looked around and saw the sign I said, "Oh, that is the word open." And he went, "Oh, open? I get it now." - pleased with himself! 

He had the courage to try to read something out loud. And then, when I corrected him, he understood it quickly and it made sense to him, building up that pride in his accomplishment and abilities. 

 And they need this industry, because there are so many new social and academic demands. So  much is expected of them, when all of a sudden, we send them to school with 30 other kids, in a strange place and no mom around.  They may have been around daycare. They may know some daycare friends. This is a different deal. When there is success here, in industry versus inferiority, we get a sense of competence. "I can." It's competence that has confidence in it. But it's also competence, that has compassion in it. 

But when we've slid farther down the scale, away from competence, we move to a place of "I can't." "I'm not sure." "I won't." "I'm no good." "I'm not worthy." That ugly language starts to feed in and build, instead a  language of inferiority. If you hear your kiddo saying those things, go back to your first three stages and rebuild some of that. Snuggle in a little more. Touch a little more.  Get a little more eye contact. The things we do during trust.  And, then give them a little more affirmation when they try things... that part of autonomy that gives them room to try and achieve. Because it moves from hope then to will.  And then, continue to encourage them in that third stage of initiative, where they want to start things. And, help them be able to move through it, so that they can see what they wanted or purposed to do. 

In this stage of initiative versus guilt, that's the key word, purpose.  It’s a belief that also has action that says, “I can do it!” This builds their confidence so that they can resist that ugly language of "I can't." "I won't." "I'm no good."  The guilt goes down as they begin to say, "Oh yes I can!"  

When kids are encouraged and commended by their teachers by the adults around them, they have a sense of success. They build competence to handle the tasks that are before them. If they don't receive this encouragement then pieces of doubt gets planted into their little heads. , So mom and a dad this is where you continue to play an important role. Don't be too busy when you come home from work.  Pay attention to what they're doing, and compliment, affirm, encourage, because your words will erase some of the doubt that sneaks in and discourages them. 

This is intentional parenting, my friends. It is not easy, but it helps us when we're parenting our kids in these first four stages. It helps us think, what did I just hear my kids say? I've heard them say four times "But mom, I can't." "But mom, I can't." "But mom, I can't."  Oh my!  That is not what I want my kiddo to say or think!  I don't want them to have that language in their head for a long time. And so, I'm going to slow down, put down what I am doing, and say, "What part do you think you can't do?  And what part do you think you can do?" Because now I'm going to work on trust, eye to eye and touch, closeness. I'm going to work on autonomy.  "What can you do? (Not what can you let me do for you?)  But what can you do?, and what would you like my help with?" And I'm going to break these down into little steps, so that they see that they can. And then, I'm going to encourage them to try it again before leaning to tie their shoes. If they're trying to get the toothpaste out of the toothpaste tube, if they're trying to get their shirt on the right way, (and this shirt is tricky), I'm going to continue to just give them little bits of "Yes you can." "There you go." "You're doing it." "Look! Look! there goes that arm, hey that's right."  "Perfect, just the right amount of toothpaste." And even if it's a little overkill, I'm going to encourage and encourage again. They're my kiddos and at six or seven, I want them to know that they can do what they set out to do, either on their own, or by asking for some help. And, I want them to have that confidence that they can achieve it, and either on their own or asking for help. 

Now, we're about halfway through the stages. There are eight of them, and like I said, I don't think I'll overwhelm you with all eight of them. This gets us through age 11. And these are the four that I want you to just to sink your brain into for a little while. Grab the printable.  Go online.   There's lots of info about this that is said in different ways.  These stages are the core. And, they will influence how we parent so that we are well engaged in what our kids and their needs. When we know these stages we can parent towards them. And when we hear something goes sideways, we can say, what's the downside of that stage? And, then we can intentionally parent so that our kiddo moves more to the positive side of the scale again.  Parents, mom and dad, you have influence. Talk with each other about it, and influence... directly impact what’s happening in your kiddo’s heart and mind. 

If you are stuck in some of these stages, which can happen, that we say, "Whoa I never got any of this... This is all I heard in school." Now take charge, and parent yourself a little bit, and help your own self, your own person, to also grow up. It's really hard to lead our kiddos into a stage that we are not very good at ourselves. So if you hear something in here that you say I'm a mess over here. I am always feeling inferior or overly criticized. My self talk is ugly.  Read a little bit more about this stage, and parent that side of yourself so that you grow more in confidence. It's this place that builds competence, that grows confidence, that grows compassion. All of these are crucial for healthy adult living. 

I'm in it with you! This is not an easy process. You know that it's not easy to see things in ourselves that are inadequate, or that we don't like. And, it's scary when we see our kids do things that we're like, "Oh, where did that come from?" Take a deep breath. Our kids are pliable. That's the words you want to use. They're able to change, and they want to follow you. So be the best leader you can be while giving grace, forgiveness, and 4 million times of second chances to yourself and to your kiddos. I'm cheering for you. 

There's a great printable here, to help you sort of evaluate your kids, and scribble a little bit of this is what you want to do next. You have a focus point. I used to put something like this up in my kitchen cupboard, so that when my kids were off, I could go and stand at the kitchen cupboard, pretend like I was doing dishes, and look at my chart. Then I could decide what I was going to do.  It led to very intentional parenting, when my emotions were stretched too thin to be wise.  So I just encourage you. You probably have a kitchen cupboard, you can probably print this out and use it. 

Thank you again for joining me today. I’m just cheering for you, hoping that in your experience of everyday life includes figuring out how to parent together and talk about it together, as husband and wife. So that together you also stay married forever by getting on the same page. You'll do it a little differently, but head towards the same goal. Therein you will find fulfilling, unlimited, and really, naturally good family life.

Talk to you next week. Bye bye.