Transcript: KIDS: Defined 

Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast! I am excited to be your host, Jan Talen. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and grandma.  

This Us and Kids podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. You and I know this isn't an easy task. And that's why I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app. If, after this episode, or another one that you listen to you would be inclined to leave a review, that's always helpful to the other people that are wondering what's the best one to listen to. Your feedback is really helpful to them. 

Today we're gonna talk about kids, so it's going to be somewhat about parenting. Remember to sign up for the printable. Then you'll have something easy to see on your phone, or on your refrigerator, that reminds you about, "Oh yeah, I was gonna do that from that podcast, and you can remember to do the steps, practice what you wanted to upgrade." 

Today, we're going to talk about kids. Yes, those little monkeys that climb all over your furniture. Those little things that spill and don't seem to care, or know, or wonder why you do. Those kids that don't have language.
I hung around a little 11-month-old, (I hadn't been around one for a little while), and I had older kids with me. Yesterday was Grandma Day, so I had six kiddos because some kids were out of school. And they were like, "But she doesn't talk. She's just screaming." And I said, "But she can't talk. She doesn't have any words yet. Those are her words." And, the kids just, sort of, looked at me like, "Huh?"  So I said to them, "Well, when you were that age you didn't have any words either. You were learning to talk." And then, we talked about the little two-year-old who was there and learning to understand how he spoke. And, they were like, "Oh yeah... oh..." It was really fun to watch.
So, I had a nine-year-old, a six-year-old, if I can get it right, two four-year-olds, a two-year-old, and an 11-month-old. They were just fascinated with how this little 11-month-old interacted. And, what they intrigued about how to interact with her, because she didn't have any language. She couldn't walk, so she couldn't get where she wanted to nearly as quickly as the other kids. And, I didn't let her go outside, because crawling in the wet grass in the 40 degree weather wasn't going to be too much fun for her. They didn't think I was being too kind. I thought, "No, I think this is the kinder of the things here right now." If we could have gone for a walk, that might have worked, but there were too many. And, I was afraid I was going to lose somebody running way down the road in front of me, so I was mitigating my risk. And (I) decided they could play in the yard, but we weren't going for a walk. That kept the 11-month-old in the house. She was fine looking out the window. Some of it was really cute. 

Anyways, let's talk about kids. We're going to break this up into four letters, and then talk a little bit about each one. These will apply to each kiddo, regardless of how old they are, because these are universal truths. You will use them and apply them a little bit differently. Just like I had to use and apply my skills differently for the 11-month-old than the nine-year-old, but it's the same idea. So, you can have your kids listen to this if you want to, but really this is more for you guys, for the moms and the dads. Join together in listening to this, so that you can say, "What's our next best step?" And, for each kid, you might have a little different angle of something you want to develop a little bit more. 

Let's see once... kids, I spell it: K. I. D. S. So, we're going to start with K. It stands for KIND. Now, we can think of the word “kind” in a couple of different ways. Each kid is a little bit different, their type, their personality is a different kind of kid. This uniqueness in them makes it so that we're perpetually reinventing how we parent, because how we parent one child is different than another based on their personality and their place in development. So, what kind of kid do I have? I have a very quiet kid. I have a more shy kid. I have a kid who's really rambunctious, who can't seem to figure out how to sleep and unwind. 

How are you going to parent this? Twist on the word kind. You are going to work at being kind. It's the gentleness and the direction that you give, that gentle direction, that helps our kids develop kindness inside of them. This kindness and compassion is so key and helping them build relationships with you, with their siblings, and with their playmates or classmates. 

I watched this yesterday, as the four-year-old was laying on the floor with the 11-month-old, and they had a small toy. I just thought this was so magical. So I just watched from afar, sort of, from the other end of the kitchen island, because they interacted for almost 45 minutes. The 11-month-old was sitting. The six-year-old was laying on his belly. He was being really kind... just gently moving the toy, looking at her, and talking to her. She might smile. Okay. She would look at him like, "Huh?" He just interacted in the most gentle, soft way, and she's stayed right there with him. He's got long hair. She didn't go to pull it. Now, she's 11 months. She wouldn't know that this would hurt him, or not hurt him, but both of them just very kindly interacted with each other. 

I watched the nine-year-old run to help the little four-year-olds be able to get their shoes on and get all buttoned up before they went outside. She was just kind about it. She was helpful. She was interactive. You can hear kindness has often quietness in it, but not always. Kindness has, "How can I help you?" in it. And instead of competing, these kids were encouraging someone else to go, and to do, and to be their best. That six-year-old to the 11-month-old, and the nine-year-old to the four-year-olds. But, the four-year-olds were doing the same thing. It was really sort of cute.

The girls  had found two matching dress-up dresses. And, the nine-year-old could still fit into one of them, because she's tall and skinny. And, the four-year-old could fit into the other one. And, here they were, kindly helping each other get their dresses on, and then, standing and posing with each other in their matching dresses. The four-year-old had all sorts of kind words to say to the nine-year-old. And, the nine-year-old just giggled, and just thought she looked really cute in her dress. Which she did. It was short, but it was cute. I think she was a mermaid, so that must be Aerial, or something, right? There was kindness there.

This is what we want to develop in our kids is a willingness to share and a willingness to be compassionate or helpful. Now please remember, this is developmentally not easy. That just saying you must be kind, in a firm voice, often doesn't necessarily lead to kindness. But, talking with kids about how to be kind and what would be nicer; giving them a minute to think. Sometimes we say, "Well, if you were in their shoes, and they had pushed you, what would you want them to do?" If you can help them switch roles, from time to time, that helps. Remember that these kids are young, at least the kids we're talking about, and so they're in a space where your kindness in helping them consider other options, or ways to solve a problem, is really important in helping them develop this trait. They won't keep it all the time. When they become anxious or frightened, kindness goes out the drain. So you staying calm in the midst of tension, can help them stay kind in the midst of tension. 

Next, the letter I, INTELLIGENT.  Our kids are kind, and they want kindness in return. Our kids are intelligent. What does this mean? It means they are interested in everything! You know this! They crawl on the floor, and they eat anything they find. Right? Now you say, "No, that's not smart." No, but what they are is always intrigued. They're investigating. They're wondering. They're just going to take in whatever they can... everything that they can. And you're like, this is intelligent?  Part of what builds intelligence is this curiosity and this courage to be able to wonder about the other things around them.

Watch as they begin to play. Yesterday, we were playing with Magna-Tiles. I think these are one of the best toys! I wish we had them as kids, or when I was raising kids. They are so fun because you can build so fast. One of the little kids took triangles and demonstrated how when you put two together one way, and then you flip them over the other way, you still had squares, because the two triangles make a square.  But, the stack became so strong because she didn't keep stacking them the same way. She kept twisting them from one 45 degree angle to the other, or 90 degree angle. I'm not very good at that, those numbers!  But, as she switched them, the square of the two triangles stayed really strong. She was like, "Look Grandma! Look what I can do!" I was like, "Oh, you're one smart girl," because it made it really strong. She did it by playing around and just investigating.

The 11-month-old wanted to go up to that Magna-Tile tower that was probably three feet tall and wanted to knock it over, because she was investigating too. I mean, all of those bright colors, why wouldn't you want to see once what that was? She can pull herself up to a stand, and she thought that might work on that pile of Magna-Tiles. We caught her before she pulled herself up. She was just being intelligent. That's investigating. That's curious.

Give your kids the credit here. When they say, "Why?," they're not trying to bother you. They're building their intelligence. They're building their curiosity, and in that, they build their problem solving. And, they begin to understand how the world fits together. As they get a little bit older, so I'm not 11-months now... I'm two-years, or I'm four years old, and I'm interacting, and I'm trying to figure out intelligently. But, I'm that little six-year-old kiddo laying on the floor talking to the 11-month-old. Both of them are learning, being intelligent, curious, and kind with each other.

Intelligence is asking questions. And, it's important that they do that, either with their words... their whys, or how comes, or their nos. All of those are intelligent questions, in asking for information. And, when you can kindly give it back to them, eye to eye, gentle touch, at their level, you will see them develop into being a really emotionally and intellectually good kid. 

Let's move on to the letter D. This is DEVELOPING, because our kids are developing. This means changing. This means doing things different than what they did before. Two of the kids are trying to learn how to do cartwheels. And, this skill is slowly developing. It takes so much body strength, and balance, and center, in order to be able to get your arms and your legs all in the same line to go cleanly over and land on your feet again. I can tell you, they are working on it, but that's part of developing is practice, practice, practice. And so remember, for your kids to develop anything, they have to practice it. You're going to step up with that level of kindness and encouragement... demonstrated and accepting... those two, demonstrating and accepting.

Demonstrate how to do something, and accept their effort. It's not going to be your perfect. If they are two and they are four, it's not going to be perfect. When I said, “Pick up all of the papers that you cut”, (the four-year-olds were practicing with scissors, and so they were just cutting paper). They had so much fun, but they had a lot of paper out. And, when I said, "Pick up all the little papers. We need to have them off the floor before mom comes home." They picked up what they could see. When I walked in, because I'm a little taller than they are, I could see some other ones snuck underneath that bin over there. And, some that were sort of shoved underneath the chair.

They weren't trying to be naughty. They had worked at picking up the papers.  Their definition of “all of them” and mine was a little different, but mostly, because I'm older. Now, I can come back and call them in and say, "Do it perfect!" Or I can say, "They did a good job." And, really what it was about for them was about learning how to control a scissors and not cut their fingers. It was about seeing how many different shapes they could make. They were trying to make a circle, at one time, which was really cute, because it's not easy to do for us adults. And, they were just trying to do it straight up. They put in a lot of effort because they were just developing that circle cutting skill.

So we gave them some grace. It took me three seconds to pick up the four other pieces of paper. It's okay. Let the kids develop. Give them space, and see that each time they try something, they'll be a little bit better at it.
When you see a key idea that you can then say, "This is a better way to do that." When I was helping the little four-year-old try to control a spoon. It just wasn't working very well. I walked around him and said, "Let's move the spoon this way." And, we flipped the spoon, I think a quarter of a turn, and that was better. This little hint helped him eat faster and cleaner.  It was less frustrating to him and he was impressed with his success!

K.I. D. S:  They're KIND. They want kindness. They're INTELLIGENT. They're curious. They're investigating everything. And, they're DEVELOPING: their motor skills, their fine motor skills and their mass motor skills; how their bodies work; how their brains work; how their emotions; work how language works; how relationships work, all of that stuff. Goodness gracious. Right? 

And, on top of that all now, because there are multiples of them, there's an S. There's SELF-CENTERED. And, you know what? They're supposed to be. This is part of development is that important because there's so much going on inside of them. They have so much to figure out about the world out there, and what it means to them, that they are self-centered.
Remember, often, especially when we're young, even our little two-year-old, they can't change their diapers. They can't reach the food they need. They can't get themselves dressed, at least, not very well. They often don't know how to say when it's time to go to sleep, and they will know when it's time to get up.

Sometimes, they just need some support. And, the only way they can get what they need is by calling out for it.
It is all about them. And, for this segment of parenting it is important to be all about them, for quite a while, because they can't do it themselves.

In the back of their brain and in their psyche, sort of their whole person development, they are figuring out the crucial emotional and relational base of trustworthiness. They are checking out if you are trustworthy. (Clearly, they don’t have the language to say this to you. However, this is the core of anyone’s emotional development is the discernment of whether, or not, humans are trustworthy - ie worthy of their trust.

This development takes place in the first two years of life. And, that's why our kiddos are so demanding. That's a really negative word, in that sense... needy, reliant on you. Those words are gentler. In their first two years of life, they need you to keep them safe and to keep them growing. So, of course, they're self centered. It's how they develop their core. And, when we learn to trust humans in those first two years of life everything else moves forward in a much more positive way. 

Now, let's move on. We're gonna have a two, four, six, eight-year-old. Sort of what I had in my house yesterday. No matter what age, when kids are scared... when they are nervous... when they are unsure, they become more self-centered. "I want it!" "I need.." "I want to sit there!" "That's mine!" "He got this!" "I didn't get that!" Now, I didn't hear all of that yesterday, but I heard some of it. When we can remember that those words happen when our kids are scared, or lonely, maybe hungry. That then, we can quietly attend to what they need. We can reassure them, kindly, that everything's okay. 

And we help them to re-balance. Maybe I would say,  "I was asking you to finish picking up all those little squares. And then, we're going to get you your afternoon snack, but we were going to do the squares first. So let's finish those." And, we just pick it up together. Because they were worried that they weren't going to get a snack. It's Grandma, of course, they're going to get a snack! Right? But, they became anxious, and there-in self-centered. So, as moms and dads, if we can remember that that selfishness comes from... insecurity. But really it's frightened, or it's scared. And when, we can kindly move in to calm.

This doesn't mean we don't change when it’s important to shift your direction. We don’t need to let them run your household by being disobedient or resistent, or never taking care of things. That wouldn't be wise parenting. The wise parent, instead, says, "We're okay. We're going to finish this job, and then we're going to take care of your other needs too." And, they see that you are trustworthy. That you are going to do as you say, and you are going to do it with compassion and with care.
That then helps them as they're two, and four, and six, and eight, and 10 move into less self-centeredness and more into being able to share spaces with other people. So becoming somewhat others-centered.

You and I are selfish sometimes too, if we're honest. And, it's usually when we're scared or overwhelmed/tired. Continue to figure your self out and build skills in developing a calm, compassionate household. And then, that self-centeredness, as the kids mature, will slowly diminish.
So what are our kiddos? They are KIND. That's usually where they start. And as and when we are kind of back, we can continue to grow that attribute in them. Kindness is one of the basis for our ability to problem solve and be in relationship with other people.
Our kids are INTELLIGENT. They are uniquely curious. They're interested in everything. Continue to find good ways for them to explore. Say yes as much as you can.
And, remember that they're DEVELOPING. They're just growing and changing. So you think you got it figured out one day, and you probably don't, because the next day is going to be different. Take that on as joy, because that means you are doing a good job as your kiddos change.
And, when they're SELF-CENTERED, it's just a reminder to build trust with them. Do it kindly. Do it with interest. Do it with a focus on what are you looking for in the long haul. And, what can your kiddo, at this age and stage, do right now. 

As always, I'm so very thankful that you have joined me today. Raising kids is such a challenge. Every day is new. And, you might get a week or two, every now and then, where it's smoother. But my goodness, you know much of the time, we have to rethink and go, "What?" "Wait!" "What did you say?" "What do you want?" "How does it work?" "Stop." I said, "Stop. Don't do that anymore!" And often, it just feels like we are in that just chunk, chunk, chunk, of "Stop!" "No!" Don't!" "Go! "Leave! "Don't do that anymore." "Please, I said..." All those things that we say.  When we just calm down our own anxiety and lead our kids with much compassion, focus, and intention as we can then everyone enjoys the kid inside of them a bit more. 

Now, I've said be nice to your kids, but you know what that means. That also means, be nice to each other, mom and dad, and be nice to yourself. Because if you can do it between mom and dad, and you can do it to yourself, those skills transfer over to your kids and parenting your kids. 

So, I think I started to say earlier, thank you for listening, and I mean that. Thank you for listening and joining me here today.

In each podcast, we include a little bit about what is in our Communications Course, and we are going to start up a new cohort of that soon. Continue to listen. Pay attention to the Us and Kids Facebook pages and website for more information. We'll be sure to pass it on to you when we have firm dates.

I'm thankful that you joined me. Remember there is a printable, and it will help you remember these things. Write some of your own notes on it. And, have it a new place where it's in front of you, so that you can have as much kindness, intention, and compassion for your kids and your family as you can.
Stay with it. I'm cheering for you. We'll talk to you next week. Bye bye.