Transcript:  Intentions - on Purpose

Hello. Hey, welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen, and I am glad to be with you to start out this year of 2021. You know, being married forever while you parent together is not an easy job. And, that's why I share with you some of my expertise that I've learned from being a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 35 years. But also, what I've learned from the real work of being married for 41 years! And parenting children and now interacting weekly with my grandkids. Raising kids and staying married at the same time is not an easy task. So, I encourage you (to) subscribe to the Us and Kids in your favorite podcasting app, so that you can get this podcast and a little bit of just refreshing information every week. It's important for you and your sanity and calmness to know that your marriage, and your home, and your kids are fulfilled. And, you're fulfilled, and that it is very good. 

So we're gonna start out this year by talking a little bit about marriage. When we developed the Us and Kids format and platform, and the DNA For Fun Communications Course that follows, we wanted to be able to really encourage these two spaces in the same place, because being married forever while you parent together is crucial to being married forever.

We know in our studies that the fractures that happen in a relationship happen often in the first five years of parenting. Not in your first five years of marriage, but in your first five years of parenting. And, why is that? It's because in those first five years of parenting, there have to be so many psychological shifts. You have to figure out how to do life very, very, tired. You have to figure out how to do life when there's a little one who's totally dependent, and you're not really used to that. And, there are so many changes: in finances; and in ways of interaction; even in meal planning; and how to do daily chores; what to do about work; what happened with our finances, and daycare, and all the costs of all those baby things.

And, those things often make it so that a couple decides to choose. Shall I just be married and care less about the kiddo? Or ,shall I care more about the kiddo, and care less about my spouse? And, we choose an either-or path. I'll either be well-married, or I will be a good parent. And, it's not 100% all in one way and zero the other way, obviously, but it often does slide more into a 60/40, 70/30, 80/20, yikes 90/10. Those splits create little slits, little cracks in your relationship that over time wear it down and wear it out. And, that is why we talk about marriage and about kids together, because learning how to do them together is what's so crucial to having that fulfilled and delightful home, marriage, and family life. 

So today, and I think, maybe, some of next week as well, we're going to spend a little bit of time with a bit of a book that I wrote a while ago called The Five Things... The Five Things For Being Married Forever While You Parent Together. And, don't you worry, this freebie is attached on the website in the podcast section, so that you can get the book. Because, I'm going to talk some about some of these five things, but then you also can, of course, then do the interaction excercises that are in the book. All of the things that are in the book, I can't take the time to talk about in the podcast. So, it's in the book, and you'll just download it, and then, use it. You'll sit down, and you'll have a little 10 minute date with your honey and talk about something from the book. 

The first one we're going to talk about is about those interactions. How have they been? How were they over the holidays? Are these loud? Are they quiet? Meaning.. is there loud distress, or is there silent, stonewalled, distress? Because those interactions, either way, set us up  for needing the courage it takes to reset, so that there's calm and meaningful, sometimes very powerful, communication between the two of you. This isn't easy to do, but it's important to do. 

Let's define it first. Interaction with another person is exchanging information and energy with another. Often the information is verbal, but it's also emotional information. So, "Would you do the dishes?" (spoken in an angry, stressed tone of voice) has information in it, doesn't it? Because, the ending on that (meaning the tone the question was spoken in) is "You idiot, or you slob!" But if I say, "Would you do the dishes?" (spoken in a kind, suggestive tone of voice) it's an invitation for, would you just join in the household care and take care of the dishes? Now, if I say that, "Would you do the dishes?" while I sit on my phone and scroll, up and down, and around, and swipe this way and do that.... Hmm.... Then, what is my body language saying? That's my energy of, "I'm not gonna put out any energy towards the house right now, but you could." And, maybe your spouse says, "Oh, heck yeah, I can. I haven't done anything around here. Okay, I just took 20 minutes of screen time. So you can take 20, I'll get the dishes done." Maybe, they'll reply that way. 

It's important to realize that in your tone and in what your body is doing, you're sharing information, and that is going to impact the interaction with your spouse. So, being considerate and thinking a little bit more is upfront energy, and I know sometimes you just don't have it. However, I'm gently reminding you that as you practice paying attention to the energy and the information you're putting out, you'll get better at it. And, in getting better at it, the stonewalling or the loud, snarky will go down. And then, you won't have to put energy into those pieces.

So, it's a transfer of energy and you are in control of where you want to spend it. Do you want to try to get over that loud noise that just came out of your spouse's mouth, or yours? Or decide what to do with that eye roll? So, you can spend energy doing that. Or, you can spend energy just paying attention to how are you sending your information, not just with your words, but with your tones and with what your body is doing. Thinking a little bit, about those interactions can help direct conversations into nice places!. 

Take yourself to some sweet places. How about when you had your first kiss from your spouse. How was it? Does it make you giggle, because it was awful? Or, do you just remember with, "Oh yes. That was good." What about a time when you and your spouse, or your partner, just held hands and walked or sat on the couch, and you were problem solving, but you didn't know what to say? You didn't know what to do, but somebody held the other person's hand, and you knew that you were in it together. Because, just holding hands brought you connected, even though you didn't have a good solution. 

Those are interactions, and they matter. And, I'm talking about the sweet ones, because that's where I want you to head, when you have a choice, P.S. you probably always do - pick the nicer interaction whenever you can.

I don't really care how you feel, often, pick the nicer one. It's easier to repair kindness and upgrade it, than it is to have to go from an ugly 10 and make it to ugly 8, ugly 6, ugly 4, ugly2, before you can cross over the line to kind. Pick the kinder interaction. If it's quiet, then pick quiet. But, sometimes it's helpful to just say, "I got to think for a little bit. I'm going to be quiet." And then, think and move into kindness, because that interaction matters. And, you can hear me talking, these interactions are interactions of words. What do you choose to use? 

But, it's also in interaction with your tone of voice. Right? Listen to what does your voice sound like. You know, I'm on a podcast all the time. So I have to be okay with how my voice sounds, because it is what it is. But, there are times when somebody has recorded a video of me doing something else, and I hear my voice, and I'm like, "Oh, you could have softened that down Jan." So, when you listen to some of your videos, (I know there are some of them out there), listen to your voice, and whether or not it has inviting tones and layers in it. When you're really terse, or uptight, or overtired and overwhelmed, sometimes we're better off saying with our words that's how we're feeling, then putting so much of it into the sound.
Now, how else do we interact? What makes it so this interaction in our marriage is, overall, good? It's touch. It's really rather crucial to how our brains work and in keeping our relationship nicely snuggled together. You're right, it's not easy. It's important. So, I just mentioned hand holding. Yes. But, so is a little shoulder rub. So is a snuggle. Not a sexual interaction snuggle, necessarily, but, just a "I got you babe" snuggle. One that says, "I'm stronger when I'm next to you. Sneak in close. It's been a hard day." 

And, we're not shopping for something between the sheets, we're just looking for, "Be close to me. I draw strength from you." Okay? If you go to snuggles between the sheets, it's fine. Just make sure that it's mutual, and that you're present with each other while you're enjoying that space. That interaction and being present with each other, while you're snuggling close, is important to how you bond. And that, then brings all sorts of good interactions when you're out and about doing day to day things. In that level of intimacy when you're snuggling in bed, and you're together and you're present is vulnerability, tenderness, enjoyment and looking to serving the other person. Listen to all those components that come in a very, very, vulnerable space. And, those are the same components that we bring into our everyday life when our clothes are on. So yes, interact there. Make sure that you're doing it, for the benefit of your spouse and the benefit of the relationship. 

And, between the sheets, or not, add this one. Remember to play. This means giggle. This means be creative. This means be light-hearted. It could mean playing a game, a card game, or a board game, or an outdoors game. It could mean, just being playful, and that would be light-hearted. That would be not too serious.
That would be somebody dropped something, and instead of saying, "Awww, you dropped it again. You're such a klutz!"
Now, you can say it that way, and it's demeaning.
But you could also say, "Awww, you dropped it again." (said in a light-hearted, giggling tone of voice).
And, then maybe between the two of you, you have a joke about being klutzy. In the middle there is a joining that says, "I'm in it with you, because I'm as klutzy as you are, and it's not a problem."
It's not an insult. It's a tenderness. That's what we want out of play is the message that  “I enjoy you; you help me and lift my moods; you enhance how I see the world; and, how you helped me see it as being better and safe, and sometimes even childlike.” 

As you can see, these interactions are really important, because they help to bring you together. Give yourself good eye contact. Give yourself good space together. Interactions happen just between the two of you, obviously, and I know there's a lot of planning interaction that has to happen. (You) might miss a space in here and there, because, well, you're working on being married, you're also working on parenting. And so, you're often talking about scheduling or  meal planning or how to get the laundry done or what to do about a daycare situation. Maybe it’s even about what is going on with our mother-in-law, or the father-in-law, or the... Right? 

And, all of those interactions, also then, include interactions with, or about your kiddos. And, the kiddos are going to follow you. This is true throughout your entire parenting life. I still have children. They're very adult. They still tend to follow me some. And so, as I age and mature, and try to do life as best I can, I still try to live life so that I am followable. Some parts of my life I don’t really think they need to copy, and when I see them headed that way, I try to be vulnerable enough to say that I’ve tried that and the result wasn’t great.
It’s best for your kids - and for you - if you are follow-able. That means that your interactions between each other are being noticed by your kids; they are going to copy you. Your name calling; your stomping your feet; your slamming cupboard doors: they are going to copy. Now, you're going to tell them, "No, no, no!” When they do those behaviors. But, they're going to wonder why,  - especially if it’s how you behave too.  

How about if it's nicer? How about if, when you're angry about something, they hear you say, "I have to think about that for a minute. Just don't talk to me. I need to go and think." And, one of them can look up at the other one of you and say, "Is Mommy mad?" And Daddy can say, "Yes, she's gonna go think, and then, Mommy and Daddy are going to figure it out. That's what we do when we're mad." That's modeling to our kiddo about how we would do it. Is our kiddo going to be good at doing that at first? Goodness No! Their brains aren't nearly as developed as ours, but they're going to learn and copy you. 

What are you gonna do when you're too tired? Are you just gonna lay on the floor and throw a temper tantrum? That's what your two-year-old is going to do, when they're overwhelmed. They're supposed to. That's how they release all of those emotions. But, you're an adult, so how are you going to release those, over the top, overwhelmed, emotions? It's not bad to cry. Don't hear that from me. Crying is a wonderful way of cleaning out all the stress hormones and all of the mishmash of emotions that can happen in overwhelm and in extreme weariness. It's okay to cry. And now, reset. When you're done crying, reset. 

Think also about your self, because you are also interacting with just you. Not just with your spouse. Not just with your kiddos, but also with yourself. And, the words that you tell yourself; the way that you treat yourself; the tone of voice, and how you talk to yourself; the way that you were able to take yourself less seriously, where that's appropriate, and more seriously, when it's time to own it and take responsibility, will help you become more... (I want to say) more adult. It will help you stay more glued together, more whole, or congruent. This creates less internal stress and confusion, which then also creates less external stress and confusion.  These things help us know ourselves better and help our selves make more mature decisions and adjustments. 

So interaction has to do with both of you and how the two of you interact. They also have to do with how you interact with your kids. But now, I've just narrowed this way down and said, "Start Here. How you interact with yourself." What words do you say to yourself? Are they kind? Are they gentle? Are they true, or are they cruel? How is that tone in your voice about yourself? Can you make it a little nicer, so that you can actually fix something, instead of falling into shame and regret where you just get stuck in a downward spiral of that , "You're no good. You're worthless. You're dirt. Noone will ever love you." 

Staying in the topic about interacting with your self. Is your touch towards yourself healthy?  Do you take care of yourself? Do you give yourself some room for some exercise? Do you wash your hair, and brush your teeth? Take a shower? Take care of your toenails? Do you feed yourself real food? Do you lower the alcohol, the cigarettes, the pot? Lower it down. Move it away. Eat real food. Are you gentle to yourself? And, do you know how to play? Even for your own self, can you just take yourself lightheartedly, a little bit, and not take everything that you do as an evaluation, or critique, but just as part of you. This adds up into grace. Just deep love. Lots of forgiveness. Not overly serious. Responsible where you need to be responsible, and not too serious when in five minutes, or five hours, or five days, it's not gonna matter. Nobody's gonna remember. Let it go.

I want to encourage you today to look at your interactions between each other. Talk about that. Watch how you're interacting with your kids, because they're gonna follow you. And then, how are you doing towards yourself? And, as you start 2021, continue to just grow these skills about interacting in ways that blossom and in ways that shine with love  and with care. You are worth it. 

As I said earlier, this is the first chapter in that little book. And, it's a little book. It's 25 pages, and the freebie of this first chapter is going to be attached. So, you can go ahead and get that.
You know what else? I just want to encourage you to continue to look at each other; talk with each other; hold hands; and smile. You are worth it. And, being married forever while you parent together is possible when you take some of these steps. 

Thank you for joining me today. (I am) Always pleased to have you as a listener. Be sure to share this podcast with your friends, so that you can joke with each other about things that I goof up on. So, that you can encourage each other in better ways to interact. We'll talk to you next week. Bye, bye.