Transcript: Routines Reduce Overwhelm

 Welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. This Us and Kids Podcast is about how to be married forever while you parent together. I know it's not an easy task. I've helped many people rebuild homes and marriages in trying to keep the balance between parenting and being married. And, not having to pick it as an either/or... shall I be married well and have the kids survive, or shall I just parent well and hope our marriage is okay later. There is a way to do both, to get A+s in both categories, and that's what this Us and Kids Podcast is about. 

For the beginning of 2021, I wanted to just focus for about four or five weeks on how to reset from the mess of 2020. Now, I know there's ongoing chagnes. I understand that. Resetting so that we're okay, and we regained some ground that maybe we lost is a fairly important thing that requires actions and attitudes to  re-engage with. It keeps us from going down a slippery slope of just a little bit at a time as you just keep losing your edge: two points here, three points there, one point there. And, all of a sudden, over the course of a year, you've gone from being a really solid A+ couple... all right... B+ couple. But, all the sudden, you're floating down into a C or a D+ couple. And, that's the piece that I'm looking to say, "Let's get there - back to our B+ or A- category!" 

Engage with these five podcasts that we're talking about. We started at the beginning of the year with a podcast about intentions, on purpose, and all the ways that intentionality plays into marriage and parenting life. And then, last week we talked about being set up for calm and how smiling, our eyes, and our tone really impact the attitude and the energy we bring into relationships for both our marriages and for our kiddos.
And this week, we're going to talk about routine and overwhelm. How do routines help settle down the overwhelmed feeling, and what to do when the routines aren't working. Because, that's true, sometimes they (routines) don't work.

Then next week, we're going to talk about exploring ideas that help to expand possibilities. We’ll answer the question of  how do we have more courage to look up and around, and say, "What else can I do? Where else do I need to go?"
And, the last one we're going to talk about are kisses and stress. And, those sweet kisses on our lips, but also that kiss stands for something else. We'll tell you about that in the first week in February. 

So, let's get going on focusing on routines today. You know how it goes. You wake up every day. You do the same thing. And often, it's a whole lot of the same thing if you have little ones in the house. Even if you're going to work, that waking up and work to try to keep the same routine:
get dressed;
get their teeth brushed;
get breakfast in,
find their shoes;
change their diaper again;
grab that diaper bag;
where's my coffee?;
can't find the car keys;
Oh shoot, I need this;
Oh dear, what are you doing now?;
No we can't bring that stuffie. We have to bring this one,
and it goes on and on.
And, you come home; and you unpack; and you're trying to unwind, but you repeat and you're tired.
I betcha maybe you've had one of these thoughts.
"I can't do this anymore."
"I need help. Hello. Help me."
"I am exhausted. There's nothing left. I can't think, and I can't move."
You might be thinking. "There's got to be a better way. There has to be a way to make this more efficient... the same thing over and over. There's got to be a way to not have to keep doing this part of it."
Or, you might be saying, "Why do I have to keep saying what has to be packed? You ought to know: what has to go in the diaper bag; what it has to go in the car; what has to go in lunches! You ought to know!
Why don't they remember? I'm tired of remembering all these things!"
And then, you wonder, "How do other people seem to do this, without this kind of stress, the mess, and the chaos? We can't seem to get into routine. We can't seem to stay there, and the routine doesn't seem to bring much calm. "

I get it all, because I've been there. More than once, I've been there looking at my systems. Looking at the way I have things laid out and  thinking there's got to be a better way. This kiddo, or this day, always goes sideways, and I would wonder how do other people do this? My husband would say to me, "Well, people have been managing it for millions of years, so I betcha we can figure it out too." And, I'd roll my eyes, and say "Yeah, but they're not me." And, he would say, "Well, they might be sort of like you. But, you're right. You're really unique." I'd retort, "How does everybody seem to be sane, and dressed, and fed, and all looking like it's all good?" 

Welcome to the need for routine, and the fact that routine doesn't always work well. However,  reinventing routine is often part of things that show personal growth and showing family growth and marriage growth. I know part of you, some of you, are saying, "Well, routines don't work. It's impossible to stay consistent. I can make the list. I can count warnings and ask them to do steps 1 2 3 4 5, but nobody does that. I can't even do it."

So, stay with me for a few minutes here. Routines are really helpful, even if they're not done perfectly and even if you can't hold them totally together. But, they're helpful, because they are things that our brains know that we have already decided to do. Many of the things that we have to do every day are pre-determined. And, when, we know what order they go in, we don't have to think about it. We can just do it. We would call it habitual. The bonus to something that's habitual, that's well practiced, is that it frees up brain space for other things like problem solving when something goes out of routine. If you don't have to focus so hard on the usual: how to get your teeth brushed; how to put on clothes; etc... How often have you driven from A to B, and gone, "I don't remember driving there." And, it's a little freaky. But, that was routine: Your brain didn't need much space to continue moving forward down the road. Now, you are gonna laugh at me and say, "Oh, no, no, no, that's not routine. That's me falling asleep, daydreaming." And I'll reply, "Okay, if that's the case, that's good to pay attention to." But sometimes, it is just your brain taking a rest, because it knows how to do this route. It would notice that there was something dangerous about it. But, when there's not, it just continues to move forward. Be clear here. I'm not suggesting you daydream, while you're driving, but I am using it as an example too. There are times when, because it's pre-determined and pre-practiced, it's a normal routine that your brain just goes, "Oh I know how to do this." And, it goes on auto. Away it goes, and it frees up your brain to do something else. And, maybe that's something else is nothing. It's possible. And, every now and then, “nothing” is smart to do too!
 
Routines are important, because they help our kiddos and our spouses. It helps them know what to expect. And, when they know what to expect, and they know that the actions, and that the steps in the routine are safe they relax and trust the routine.  It helps when they trust the mom, or the dad, or the spouse who set up the routine.
I have a really, cute, little grandson who knows what day Grandma gets him from daycare. And, he relies on the Grandma Day to get through the Non-Grandma Days. So, last night I was talking with his mom on the phone.  It was past his bedtime.  But then his mom said he would like to say good night to you.  And I said, "Good night Lucie. Sleep so good. Tomorrow isn't Grandma Day, but the day after, just one more day of daycare, and then Grandma's gonna get you." And then my daughter said, as he drug his blankie back to bed that he was grinning!  Now, daycare is fine and good. But he prefers Grandma. And that routine about Thursdays is important and when I'm gone on Thursdays, he's a little off, because Grandma's not there. His mom tells me it’s a little confusing for him when I am gone. The whole week is a little weird, because he knows he doesn't get Grandma. And, I miss the kiddo when I can't make a Thursday! 

Routines help kiddos. They especially help kiddos, when you tell them what the routine is. Put up some signs about what the bedtime routine is. You don't have to use words - pictures work just fine. So your signs or chart might have a toothbrush, a picture of PJ's, a bathtub and a storybook or prayer time. Just make little signs to say, "This is what we're doing." Some people make them into flip charts. Some people make them so that the kids can mark them off. Some people put them on their phones. 

Routines help kiddos. And, routines are made as a guideline and a checklist for an end goal. See, routines are not made to be a checklist of shame to point out all that isn’t done. It's a routine that helps people gain success and build trust. And, those things build calm and connection. Of course, our guidelines would be adjusted depending some,how your little ones are doing.  The would also be adjusted between you and your spouse or your partner based on how much cooperation, energy you have left in you.
There are days, sometimes more than others, where life is just rough. And, everything is running late and not much has gone well. Or, that cold that you're just getting over is coming back. You're fighting that sinus infection again, or your back, or your legs are just aching. The migraine is hanging around in the background. Make your routines shorter. If you want to set up your A game schedule for when all is going dandy, and then make your  B game when some adjustments are wiser, and then we have our C game when the day is just plain crumby.
I have those for meals. I have A meals, really nice beautiful meals. I have B meals, delicious, little bump in the extras, but not a whole lot. And my C meal, cereal. Because, there are days like that.
There are days our routines are like that too. There can be A game routines, and there can be C game routines that are just clean it and finish it, that's all. Don't do anything extra. On days that need more calm, then, you might need a few more minutes of just having a kiddo sit by you, while you brush their hair and read a book. (You) might have a time there where a little one just needs you to just sit by their bed a few more minutes. Change the routine, when you need to to have space that brings more calm. 

Well, let's talk for a couple of seconds here about what happens when the routine has glitches. Things aren't working too well.
One of these might be your routine is too long. So, what are you going to do?
Ask: "When does cooperation or energy from those around, or even from your own self, stop or derail? That's usually a clue of where that routine needs to be tapered in some. There are too many steps or too many expectations, and people can't stay with it that long. So, isn't real hard. Break it up into a couple of routines with a break in the middle. Kids and adults like quick successes. We do. It's happy for our brain, especially when we're tired. And so, 17 steps to get ready for bed is probably too long. So, take three of those steps and move them to right after you get home. When you can take two of those steps and say, "Those are the days we are home a little bit earlier." And, when you can take another couple of those and say, "These are before bath, and then, story. And then, these are after story." You broke it up into shorter routines, so that everybody can see that there's more success.
Another challenge with routines might be that it isn't long, but it always gets stuck. I mean we never finished it." 

So now, I'm going to ask you to put on your observing eyes. This takes a little bit of analysis. I want you to start to notice - where does it get stuck, and why? This is not a blame game. This is an understanding exercise. Can you find any trend that happens? 

I was talking with someone and talking about their morning routine, and part of the morning routine was that the dog pooped in the house. "Oh? That's part of the routine?" "Yeah, we always have to pick up dog poop in the morning." And, I said, "Well that would get me stuck real fast, and it would change my mood real fast." And so, we talked a little bit about what to do about the dog, and how can we rearrange this so that this is not a part of a morning routine? Clearly, poop in the house messed up the rest of the get up and going morning routine! As they focused on, "Okay, you're right. Let's get this out of the morning routine." Everything calmed down. I guess, I'm hoping you aren't all in that place where the dog is running the household in the morning. But it's possible. 

Where does it get stuck? And now, look at that stuck space. We had to look at the dog, and what to do? How does the dog get the space to take care of his business on the outside, instead of the inside. Redo the stuck space. Then see how the rest of the routine works. Don't redo the whole routine. Just check the stuck space, and once you undo it or soften that spot the rest of the routine might be fine . It might be a kiddo that just needs a little bit more hug and hold in the morning. It might be a spouse who really does need coffee in the morning and waiting for it to brew, and that extra 10 minutes is too long. Everything gets set behind. Well then, let's figure out how to get that coffee ready and going and how to have an extra moment for morning hugs. 

So what about this other glitch? The thought in your mind and in your experience that says, "Nothing about this routine works well." We're going to encourage you to come back to the solutions. And, we have talked in the two previous podcasts about your intentions, and how what you intend to do moves things forward in either healthy ways, or in more ugly ways. And, we also said, "Let's look at set for calm: your smiles, your eye contacts, and your tone of voices, and use them well." Because, if nothing's working, my guess is that something in those first two steps of intentions and setting up for calm is not developed quite far enough. This isn't a shameful sentence. This is simply a sentence to say, do a little exploring here and make an adjustment there. See once, what happens. 

If you want to try upgrading it a little bit more, then break the routine up into something a little bit smaller, so that you can figure out what part of the routine overwhelms or frightens, and then stops the whole thing. As soon as someone is overwhelmed or frightened, it probably grinds the whole process down to a screeching or screaming halt.
Let's understand that from this way. Resistance to a routine or to a pattern is often because there's fear, and there's not a good amount of trust that this routine will bring them good. So, we build trust, and we lower fear by understanding perhaps what they're fearful about and by being kind with our touches, with our tones. Talking about, "Well, this is what we have to get to, so how are we going to do that? If you don't want to put your shoes on here, what do you want to do when you get to daycare?" And, the kiddo might say, "Carry me." And, you might say, "Too heavy. Too many things." Well, you might be able to say, "How about if we wear these boots instead, and when you get to daycare, then you put on your shoes." And maybe, because the boots are easy to pull on, and shoes are harder, maybe they're good with that. Sharing ideas and giving them space to talk about what they want, how they would fix it, with your spouse, and with your kiddos, lowers that resistance. It ups the honor and the respect, and that builds courage to say what they're thinking and put forth a good solution. 

A final glitch... there could be others, but we're just going to do four here... is this:  "This routine would work fine except for..." And then, we have a person, or a pet, or a something that always seems to trip it up.
Try to figure out why they're not cooperating? Is it the timing of things? They don't agree with your timeline? They don't want to go to bed that early. They don't think that there's that big of a rush. They don't think they have to be there seven minutes beforehand. Or, they don't want to leave and be separated, so they mess up the routine. When the routine is done, mommy and daddy, or husband and wife, have to leave each other and go into the big scary world by themselves. And, they don't want to do that. And so, they mess up the routine, because it gives them more time to be with you. This is really a sweet piece if that's the case. 

But it's not always easy on the relationships. So, I want to remind you to use your compassion; to share ideas of what is going on; and what could work better. It's in compassion, and then kindness, in gentleness, that we build trust that we are for them. And, that you are with them, even when you're not right by them. Sometimes this works when kiddo takes a picture of mom or dad with them. I know one little kid who would take his daddy's business card with him. All he needed was to hold his daddy's business card, while he walked into daycare. You know, it's that easy sometimes folks. Just do it. It doesn’t spoil them - it equips them with confidence and courage.  

But sometimes the routine would work if and when listen, and we find out: that the kiddos car seat is too tight; or that it's too sunny; or that something is too hot or too cold; or there's always garbage and the car is smelly; or the bathtub is too hot. Who knows? 

As you listen and you look for calm, you will learn things about yourself and about those who love. Everyone, well, everyone that's a big word right. Almost everyone appreciates a routine, when it works well. And, it's getting it to work well, much of the time, that is really quite a challenge. But, it's also worth the work. Because, routines do lower the overwhelm and gives our brain space and time to figure out the glitches and to deal with the unforeseen. 

Since you're married. Both of you are changing. There are unforeseen things. You're working. You're trying to manage the house. You're trying to manage in-laws or aging parents. And, you're trying to manage work and relationships. And, then you have little ones. And, there's a lot to be overwhelmed about. Talk with each other about what some of those good routines would be, not just in the day to day care of everything, but also, what are the good routines between the two of you. Keep a routine of: a good morning encounter or interaction; a kiss; a hug; sometimes a zerbet (Do you know what those are? A funny little blowout kiss.); a cute, little wink; a cute, little nickname. Do something that bonds you together, as you separate for the day, and something that pulls you back together again when the day is over. Because, those routines are important for keeping the marriage together. 

But, also have routines with your kiddos that give you emotional energy and some physical touch and space with them. Those messages from you that you are right by them physically, help them believe that you are right by them emotionally. And, that builds trust and that builds courage and that helps them cooperate and is good for everybody. 

So, let's just do a quick, little review. Shall we? It looks like this, because we're working on the five things to help our marriages last forever, while we parent together. We know that we have to intentionally interact with words and kindness and playfulness. We know that we have to, or it's best, if we set up for a layer of calm in our household. That smile, eye contact, and a quiet tone of voice are really good to keep your household moving along. And then, when we incorporate or include those routines; and use them regularly; adjust them as needed; cooperation and flexibility grow. And, that makes the household become more calm and makes our interactions and intentions with each other more steady.

I am glad to join me today. And, I am cheering for you to use what you are learning here in your everyday life. Talk about it with your spouse, and of course, download this chapter of the book, because it's attached here. You can get that by going on the website if you don't see it in another place. Go to the website and get this freebie. It's worth it. And, it's got other exercises for you to do to create more conversation. And, to help the two of you, even just in your own space, evaluate and make the upgrades to make sure that you're really getting set up well for 2021. I'm cheering for you. I always appreciate your feedback. A quick stop by the Facebook page with a comment or a note is always helpful, and I look forward to talking with you again next week. Bye, bye.