Transcript: KISSes and Stress

 Hi. Hey, welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. I share my ideas from my experiences in each one of those places, often all of them put all together. That's what has created this Us and Kids Podcast, because in my life journey, so far, I have realized that it takes a lot of energy and focus to stay married forever and to stay really well connected in that marriage, while we try to parent together. It's not an easy task. I encourage you to subscribe to Us and Kids in your favorite app. Or, sign up for it through the website, so that you can always get the freebie, and it's right there available to you. Each week, we put out something that is about how to be married well, and how to parent well, so that you are learning these skills. And often, they are interchangeable. We just adjust them a little bit for whatever space you're in, or where your struggle is. 

 We also have a course called DNA For Fun Communications Course. And, it is a course that will help you with the core communication skills. Help you develop those, because those core communication skills... there are eight of them... help you build your relationships with your spouse, or your partner, as well as with your kiddos. The same core skills, and that's what's so important, but also what's so easy, because, we don't have to learn different skills. We just adjust them a little differently. And then, they work well, for most situations. So, that's a little bit about what's coming up down the road. Pay attention to the podcast or to the website for when that course is being available again. 

So, I just want to encourage you. Take a listen here today. We've been working our way through the five things for being married forever, while you parent together. And, we've been talking about them, one each week in the start of 2021, because my thought over 2020 was, "Oh, families and parents are a little bit in trouble. Marriages are getting bumpier and bumpier. The number of changes, and expectations, and pivots that we've had to do are considerable. And often, we don't realize there is a slippery slope, of just, slowly changing into not as good habits, and communications, and relationships. And, we've given more grace for people who are crabby. Eventually that grace, sort of, runs thin. And, it may be time to reset." 

So, that's what these podcasts have been about. Steps you can take to make sure that your marriage and your parenting is right up there. Right on top of your game again for 2021 to move into being a great year. 

So far, we've been talking about interactions and intentions that matter, that make a difference. And, how do we make those interactions intentional, so that there is a good outcome. Our connection with people, our care for people, and our care for ourselves are obvious and healthy. And then, we moved into talking about being set up for calm. And, S.E.T meant knowing how to use a Smile, your Eye contact, and your Tone to be able to calm down a situation, or stay calm as the tension grew and grew.

And, we said, "Okay, well, that's nice if it's calm, but I can tell you there are times when nothing goes smoothly; and we're overwhelmed; out of time; out of energy; out of..." Then, we said, "Let's talk about routines, because routines, even when they're messy and not perfect, can help calm down the overwhelm and give our brains more room for the spaces that really do need problem solving, and creative solutions."
After that, we said, "Well, as we've continued to figure out how to 1) interact well; 2) how to use our smiles, our eyes, and our tones to work for calmness; and then, 3) add some routines; and, know how to make adjustment to routines, so we're not so overwhelmed; we might actually have energy to 4) explore ideas to expand how and who we are as a couple, as a family, and experience new and fun things together." 

And, you guys could say, "That's fine and good, but I can tell you that in my home life, we still have a fair amount of stress. I don't think it's going to go away anytime soon." And, that's why today, we're going to talk about kisses. Okay. Well, yeah, there are those sweet, sloppy kisses that we get from our one-year-olds, and our two-year-olds, and our lovely marriage partners. Lovely kisses, right? Eskimo kisses. Butterfly kisses.
Then, there's stress, and there's headaches, and there's, "I just can't deal with you right now, okay?" and who remembers to kiss then. Nobody even wants to. And after a while, it sort of doesn't even matter? 

So, what I'm going to suggest is this kind of kiss. You need to do this kind of kiss. We're going to talk about it a minute - K.I.S.S. ..Before that, slurpee, sloppy, delicious lip to lip, cheek to lip kiss happens, we will talk about this K.I.S.S. :  KEEPING INTENSE STRESS SMALL.
K is for KEEP.
I is for INTENSE.
S is for STRESS. And,
S is for SMALL.
And when, the stress is high, often, kisses go bye, bye. When the stress can become smaller, then the kisses can become longer. 

Let's talk a little bit more about it. Most of you are thinking, "Awww, that's a great idea to keep the stress small, but when there are 14 little stresses, then how big is my stress? They just add up. How do you make any stress smaller?" 

The first part here sounds way too easy, but it's really important. Breathe out. Breathe out until you run out of air. There's a carbon dioxide buildup that happens in our body. And, if you remember from your biology class way back when, carbon dioxide in our minds and bodies is toxic. It's dangerous. It's considered a poison. And, when it builds up inside of us, our brain becomes anxious and can't think well. And then, we'll do things to make ourselves move so that we can re-regulate our breathing to get rid of the carbon dioxide. So, the thing that creates less stress, to reset and get rid of carbon dioxide, is exhaling. 

Everybody remembers to breathe in, but, when we're under stress and tension, we forget to breathe all of it out. So, take a deep breath in from the bottom of your toes (full of air... four counts in... two counts, hold it... now, blow it out... four counts in, times two... the two seconds that you held it... blow it out at a count of eight... slowly, till you are out of air). Lower your shoulders. Stretch a little bit. Smoosh those muscles around, so those muscles can release some of the carbon dioxide attached to them. Breathe in again and breathe out. 

If you want to do this in a messier way the use crying, or yelling, or running, or moving fast. It will reset your breathing, but it might also create more stress. And so, what I'm suggesting is do this breathing out. Go in your bathroom; go in your bedroom; go in your car, (and) put your head down for a minute and just look at the floor. And, take some big breaths in, and some big breaths out. It clears out your brain, so that all of the electrical circuitry in there can work more smoothly. That's part one to keeping your stress small is breathe out. 

And, as you do, listen to yourself talk. What are you saying to yourself? Because, stress can make us say not pretty things: can say things that are defeating; say things that are demeaning to you, or to others; say things that are discouraging. It builds up hopelessness. Some self talk things that can sound sort of, ugly, or, as it builds up, more depressing are things like, "I'll never sleep again.
I'll never sleep all night."
And, it might be because you feel like your littles are up all the time. But, it might also be because you're so anxious that you can't unwind. And, breathing out will help lower that anxiety. Not totally, but it does help you get a better handle on it.
A self talk sentence about:
"It's not fair.
I can't.
I'm doing way more of the work.
I can't keep up.
It's not fair.
They always get to buy snacks and things, and I don't.
They get to go to work. I'm still laid off.
They got a new car. We can't even think about buying a new pair of jeans.

Other self talk: 

I'm just getting run over.
Nobody listens to me or respects me, not my spouse... not my kids. And so, I must be the awful parent. My kids are naughty. My spouse ignores me.
I must be awful.
I must be an awful person.
And so, this will never get any better.
Listen to the self talk here.
The spiral of down and down and down. 

As you listen to that self talk, and you notice those little parts, maybe of, what I said, or something else that has popped up in your head, write it down. Put it into your phone someplace. And now, begin to change that self talk.
It's your talk. It's self talk, so it's your talk, your language. Which means, you have permission to change it from, "I'll never sleep again!" to "I'm going to find a way to sleep again. I'm not sure when or how that will be, but I'm going to explore some different options. And, if it means sleeping on the floor next to my kid for the next two weeks that's what I'm going to do. Because, I'm going to sleep again."
If it's, "I must be an awful parent. No one cooperates with me." Slow down a minute and think through. Where are the stress points? Flip back up to the conversation about routines and about setting for calm, and see once what you would like to change. Because, if your kids are being naughty, and your spouse is being disrespectful, it's usually because of what's going on inside of them. Them. And so, where you can move yourself focus over to what's happening for them and work towards understanding that. You will find yourself empowered and not thinking that you're an awful parent. 

What am I doing here? I'm talking really about the third step. The first one was breathe out to lower your stress.
The second one was, "Hey, what's your self talk saying to you? If it's not pretty, you're in charge of changing that." And, as you change your self talk, your internal thoughts can move to become more positive and more helpful. And, hope is just a powerful use of energy. Positiveness frees up fear and makes it so fear doesn't cloud your brain.
So, those words of: "I can." "I will try." "Maybe this will work better." "It's worth a shot." "What have I got to lose?" "Well, if I slump, and it flunks, I'm in the same place as I am right now.  So I don't really... I can only go up from here." 

You change your internal thought, and, in that, you will find a more kind truth. So, when you say, "It's not fair. I am doing so much more of the work and putting out so much effort to keep these kids in line... where they need to go and looking respectable, and that kind of stuff... and, it's not fair.
I'm being overused and underpaid." Now, look for a more kind truth. There might be some truth to you are doing a lion's share of the work.
What is the other truth? The other truth is my spouse is really overwhelmed and overworked from work. And, I think truthfully we have to talk more about what's happening for my spouse. And, as maybe I understand that more, there might be something that he or she can pick up and help me with. But, maybe we just have to be kinder to each other under this kind of stress, instead of just going to our own corners. And, maybe that truth will build more kindness between the two of you. 

Step number five: use the first four things... those other four podcasts that we just did. The four chapters that you've downloaded so far about the first four things.
Remember, they were these.
Use your interactions intentionally. Use some energy in intending to accomplish a goal, a conversational goal, a relational goal. Because, as that happens, you free up energy for the unusual things. And, that helps your body and your communication patterns of smiles, and eyes, and tones be more calm.
As you do that, the routines become easier. Everybody trusts everybody a little more, and that's when routines move smoothly. As those routines grow and become more dependable... Not perfect. Life is messy... But dependable, then at the same time, your overwhelm goes down.
And, that gives you the room to explore or expand and become a little stronger, add a little, new muscle group to your relationship, so that there isn't so much stress or pressure on one activity or way of interacting, but there is another way to do it. 

And, finally: leave behind words that sink your heart. Words make a difference in terms of how we emotionally react and interact, and what we read as stressful or not stressful. So, they may be words that people say, but they may be words that you say. Someone ones that are pretty common are always. "I always do it wrong." "Oh, I should do that." Yeah, because when we say should - and  if we don't do what we thought we “should do, then usually we feel ashamed, and that's a rather sinking emotion and mindset. It steals and robs courage to change and reset from us. When we say, "It's impossible." All of a sudden we locked ourselves in.
When we say, "Well, that doesn't seem very reasonable or realistic. Let's look for another option." "Or, this is probably Plan A, and this is probably Plan B." Look for those options instead.
When you say, “but, or however”... So, when you say, "I love you, but you always bah, bah, bah..." That “but” and that “always” are the only two things that person's going to hear. And, what they hear is, "You don't love me, and you do things wrong." Those are words that sink hearts. 

So, if you want to say, "I love you!" Let it stand on its own wonderful sentence, beginning and end... period, stop. I love you. Asking them to trust that. Eyes, tone, look, sound, smile... "I love you." And then, say your next sentence about the area that you are struggling with. It doesn't take away from my love for you. But this area, about what you do with your phone, or how you're interacting with this kiddo, troubles me. And, I'm talking to you, because I love you.
I'm not threatening to remove my love. I'm wanting to enhance it and challenge it by talking with you.
Leave behind words that are ugly names: stupid, dumb, idiot, worthless, dirt. Those sink hearts. Don't use them in your own heart and mind. Don't share them with anyone else. They are dangerous words to well being, mental wellness. But, they're also dangerous to relationship wellness at any age in any stage. 

So, we said, "How do you Keep Intensive Stress Small?" And, we said, work the first four chapters of this book. And then, remember when things are overwhelming, breathe out,  adjust that self talk and internal thoughts to places that are more kind, still truthful and more optimistic. Emotions aren't always truthful.
And, so sometimes, we have to say, when you feel like: nobody loves you; and you are not worth anything; and nobody would miss you: cleaning up that thought will lower your stress and give you a little kiss. Because, the truth is that sometimes you feel worthless, but you are not worthless. You have value to your spouse or your partner, and lots of value to your children. Their behavior and misbehavior is about them, not about you.
I don't care what they say to you. They're little, and they don't fully understand the meaning of the depth of language or words.
Watch yourself talk. And, leave behind... keep out of your house; out of your relationships; out of your thought patterns, words that make you sink.

Because, in reality, kissing is important. Yes it is. You see, kisses of interactions; of calmness; of routines; of exploring and doing life together, keeps your stress small. But, when you also kiss... kiss your kiddos and your spouse, it brings trust and connection and the openness of vulnerability into your relationship. And, that builds strength, and room for growth, and the confidence that you are in it together. 

Living life is not easy. Parenting with kiddos is always a messy challenge. Using these five things together, often reviewing them, adjusting them will help you on this path, so that you really do parent well and stay married well forever and together.
For me, that was my goal. I worked it hard. I use these things every day... year after year after year. Now, I use them, sometimes still when interacting with my adult children, and often, in interacting with my little ones and teaching them to my clients.  

We are coming close to letting you have another look at the DNA For Fun Communications Course. And, I'm eager to share that with you.
Stay tuned, and we'll let you know when that is open for purchase, and when you can join. I am so glad you joined me today. It's been good to spend January and this first week of February with you, and I look forward to a great year of sharing ideas and conversations with you.
The printable is available on the website usandkids.com. I think that you will enjoy seeing the extra exercises and thoughts that are there. Iit just takes the last chapter of the book and puts it out for you. So, you can grab that chapter, whichever ones you're most interested in, or all five of them. Hey, thanks for joining, and I wish you a wonderful week. Bye, bye.