Transcript:  10 Tips for Listening Well

Hi!
Welcome to the US and Kids Podcast. I am your host Jan Talen. I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandma. With my own marriage and with my clients of over 35 years, I have worked to help us avoid the pain of divorce and achieve the grand balance of being married forever while parenting together by using the D.N.A. Method of Communication. We know this is worth the work and very rewarding.

The D.N.A. method is about knowing our desires and our dreams, that's the D. Using the necessary communication skills, that's the N. And, applying those skills appropriately, no matter what age or stage of life you are talking to. So these desires, necessary skills can be applied and used nicely, whether or not we're talking to our one-year-old, or our 11-year-old, or our 21-year-old, or our spouse, even our mother-in-law. They work in every situation. You can learn more about the D.N.A. method by looking us up on the website at usandkids.com. 

Right now, we are working our way through 10 things and really we're talking about 10 different tips on different topics. So we've done a few of them, and now, we're going to move into talking about how do we listen well.
What are some tips for helping me just listen a little better? Sometimes it's a little harder during the summertime, because it's hot outside. And, we're tired, and we often need a little bit more hydration. And sometimes, we just end up being up later and drinking more alcohol, because there's more hanging out time. Let's back down on the alcohol, if you can, and take a few minutes here to listen to 10 tips about how to develop a really, good listening space inside yourself, because that helps build the connections for everyone and ends up being a win, win. 

Listening helps and works: when we're in tension with people; when we're just trying to find and get to know somebody new; and when we're hanging out with people we've known for a long time. Because people are always changing, as we listen to them, we'll hear how they've grown, and sometimes, that spurs us on to thinking, "Yeah, I could do that too." And therein we have community, where we've helped each other move into better spaces. That is just, more truly, how we are made to be. Do that with delight - here - now as you pick up a few tips about how to become a better listener. 

Tip number one... this is about attitude, and your attitude: towards yourself; towards the situation; or towards the person who's speaking.
Your attitude is going to impact what you hear. So if your attitude is, "Ahhh... This voice is just annoying as all get out." You're probably not going to really hear the message that the person is saying.
If you have an attitude that says, "I don't trust them." Or, "I am so ticked at them, I could care less."
If you're just hangry... That attitude readjusts or muffles out the true information that the person speaking is trying to send to you.
Pay attention to what your attitude is when you really want to hear somebody well and settle it down enough so that you can just enter into their world. That's what so much of listening is.

Here's tip number two. Pay attention to how much attention you pay to yourself versus the other person. I'm going to say that tip a little bit differently. As you pay more attention to yourself than the other person, you won't hear the bulk of what they're trying to communicate with you. Attention to yourself will distract you. So if yourself has to go to use the bathroom; if yourself needs a drink of water; or yourself has a headache, it's going to impact how you hear them. So your attitude will impact them. But also, how much you are paying attention to yourself and your personal needs will also impact how accurately you hear their message.

Tip number three. as you adjust to being more present so your attitude is more in line; you're calm enough to really absorb what someone is saying; and your attention to them can be put on them instead of yourself, you will be able to adjust to being more present. If you're more present usually we then are less scared. We're less distressed. And as those things go down, scaredness and distressed or disconnected, we will hear the information more accurately. That gives us a greater sense of satisfaction in putting out the energy of engaging in the energy that it takes to listen. 

These are the three A's that as we live into these three parts, attitude, attention, and adjusting to being more present that, now as we work those, the tips below here, the next seven, will build on these three key ideas.
So the first thing I want you to do is I want you to just be able to think for a little bit about where do I struggle most with my attitude?
Do I struggle more with paying attention to myself and other people like,  "I really don't want to go into their world."
Do I really not want to be present? Okay. I really want to hang on to old stuff.
Or, I really have to keep thinking about: planning that party; or what am I doing with the boss; or my grocery list. I can't be fully engaged in this conversation.
And those will then impact how accurately you hear what's being said. This is true if your three-year-old is talking to you, your seven-year-old, your spouse, your grandma, the store clerk, your boss.
So, watch your attitude. Take care of yourself, so you can pay attention to others. And, adjust so that you can be more present.
Now, let's talk about some fine tuning of those ideas. 

Tip number four. I think you knew it was coming. Ahh, so we'll just put it up front and get it out of the way. That cell phone, all those devices that keep us distracted, if you really want a good conversation with somebody, get that cell phone and any other device out of your sight and sound area.
So take the earbuds out of your ears, even if it's all turned off. Take them down. Put your cell phone away. Leave it in your car. Put it away. A pocket usually is not far enough away, because it's vibrating. And, you know what all those things mean, and so, you're distracted again. Turn off the sounds, and put them away.
Be actually there. (This is) really important for your little ones, really important for your spouse, and those that even know and love. 

Tip number five. Listening includes all your nonverbals. This is a part of being present. And, these nonverbals of eye contact, touch, body posture, tone of voice all communicate whether or not the person can figure out we are safe, or we are not really in it with them.
We know that if we nod our head to somebody two or three times, they will pick up that we are interested in following them. Especially our eyes and a touch on somebody's hand or wrist really says, "I'm following you. I'm not distracted by anything else."
Your tone of voice says, "Tell me more" or, "that's interesting," or, “I think that's funny too," and matches their emotional space.
Those nonverbals all keep people engaged in building a connection with you and thus a relationship. Our kiddos notice it, and so do other people that we're with.
This isn't always easy. It takes energy, but 85% of our communication is in these non verbals. It's not as much in the words that we speak, it's in how we listen that really creates so much of the conversations.
Eye contact that's gentle, not piercing mean eyes, but "Hey, I hear ya."
Touch that says, "Yeah, I get it. I'm following. That's tough. That's hard. Thank you for listening." A body posture that doesn't say, "I'm sick and tired of you," and that slouches and eyes wander all over the place. Or, that crosses your arms and makes a big square posture that says, "I'm sick of you. Go away."
Unfold your arms, lean in a little bit, soften it up, and you'll see that people tell you more information, share more of themselves, and your connection and respect for each other will go up. True for kiddos. True for your spouse. 

So you've put that cell phone away. You're using your nonverbals to really say, "I'm present with you." And now, there's a little pause in what the speaker has been saying,  and so, you're able then to jump in with tip number six in listening. And that is by saying back some of the facts that you just heard them say.
So somebody is talking about their baseball game. And, how they got out on third base, but it was, you know, just a little bump of a hit. They couldn't believe they got into third base in the first place. And, you're able to say something like, "That was a great run for just a little baby hit." "Yeah."
I'm not going to use judgment here or snarkiness and say something like, "Well, you know, it's just everybody else that bumbled the ball all over the place that you got to third."
I am instead being very optimistic with a quick summary. No judgment. No snarkiness. Because as we give a quick summary, what we've told them is that we were listening accurately into not just what they were telling us but what they experienced. And, how excited they were cuz they had never gotten to third base. They didn't care that they got out. They just had never ever been to a third base before.
It's fun to engage in those stories with people. Join in with them emotionally, as well as, verbally. 

And, that moves us to tip number seven. As you're listening and you're like, "Huh?  I wonder what that means you got to third base?" Okay, and maybe you haven't heard all the stories about how somebody threw the ball, and  the second baseman missed it. And then, the fielder out there was way off track and couldn't pick up the ball and ran right past it. And so, there are bumbling things all over the place.
Tip number seven... as you're listening, ask good questions.
Don't assume. That's the other part of this.
If we ask questions, and we're not assuming.
We're not mind reading.
And, we're not interrupting.
And say, "I'm curious about how you got to third base? Tell me more about that."
Just ask questions.
Do it innocently without agenda.
Just for information. 

Tip number eight. We've said it before. It's in the space of being present.
Use your mind, use your body, and use your emotions. That's the definition of being present.
Is that your mind is there? It's not planning or doing something else.
Your body language says, "I'm engaged in it with you."
And, your emotions and in your tone and in your look are also saying, "I get it."
This means we're not distracted, and we're not disgusted... Both of which the speaker can figure out quite quickly and become distant, disconnected. 

Tip number nine.  We've, sort of, been hinting around it here. We'll say it just straight up.
Listen to hear and understand.
This is different than listening, because you're going to tell them about what to do, and how to do it. That you want to just give them judgment or your opinion. That's a different kind of listening.
This listening, before anybody is going to be able to accept your advice, or judgment, or your opinion, is they're going to want to know that they've been understood.
This requires us to: slow down; calm our beating hearts; hold our own opinion, advice, or judgment over in a different space, while we really just take in: what is their perspective; what is their understanding; what is their experience.
This takes empathy to join in with somebody else and say, "I get what they're saying." So, I could have been judgmental about how a kid can’t even hit a baseball very far, and s/he still got to third base. Nobody should get to third base. Oh, nevermind: They got out. And, they're giving them all sorts of credit for getting to third base, when they still got out.
That would be my crabby judgment opinion. You don't really get credit for getting to third base. You got out.
But if I listen to understand, what I understand as the excitement of the first time somebody's got to round second and make it to third and actually put their foot on third base... when I hear that, then I can just join in with, "That is so fun. Last time I made it to third base, I was so winded I was glad I didn't have to run home."
Listen to my empathy here. Instead of judging about how poorly they hit the ball, and how bad everybody fielded the ball, I'm just going to join in with, "I hear you, and I understand. And, I'm glad that was so fun for you. What a good memory."
Listen to understand. It bonds us together, and it makes, sort of, the priorities fall into place. 

This moves us to tip number 10... the more you listen, the more your will understand, the less your will need to speak, and the more accurate your love will be. listen to learn.
I'll say it one more time. The more you listen, the more you will understand, the less you will need to speak, and the more accurate your love will be for anyone at any age and at any stage. 

Those three A's are your attitude, the attention you pay to yourself, and adjusting to the present will help you really listen to learn.
And therein, you will have a lovely, delightful family and marriage forever and together.
I am so cheering for you. Enjoy what you hear. Absorb it. Talk about it. Laugh about it. Be connected with it. It's good for everyone.

So, thank you again for joining. Use this printable for your own health and for the health and the joy of others around you. We'll catch up again next week. 

Thanks again. Bye, bye.

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