Transcript:  Top 10 Tips  for You!

Hi.
Hey, welcome to the Us and Kids Podcast. This is episode 100!
I know that maybe it’s not a big deal for you, but it feels like a big success for me. And, I hope that you have something in your life, that even if it doesn't make it to 100, you can say, "I was successful today." 

Who am I? I'm your host, Jan Talen. I'm a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, a wife, a mom, and a grandmother. And with my own marriage and with my clients, we have worked to help us avoid that pain of divorce and achieve this grand balance of being married forever while we parent together. You and I know this is not easy, but it's easier when we use the D.N.A. Method of Communication. It's worth the work, and it's rewarding. 

Just a short little review about D.N.A.
It's unique to every person. You know that already, right? This method of communication is also unique to every person in every family.
The D stands for knowing what your dreams and your desires are. Not just what do you want in the moment, but also what do you want in that long range plan. In the end of the day, in the end of the year, in the end of your life, what do you want your marriage to have looked like and felt like? What do you want your family makeup, and family experience to be? Those are your dreams and your desires. And, that's the first part of D.N.A. is knowing what those are.
Now you're gonna keep your eye on that goal, while you develop the skills necessary to achieve those goals.
N is the necessary skills to help you achieve those dreams. We're going to talk more about what are those skills, as we work our way through this podcast today. And, as you use those skills, you'll discover they can be applied.
That's the A, applying those skills to any age of any person that you're hanging around with, in good relationship with. You see when you have this D.N.A. put together your desires, the appropriate necessary skill, and you apply it well, the relationships and your own personal self blossom.I encourage you to continue to look at the Us and Kids website for when the next course called Us and Kids Communication Course is up and ready to go. I hope to meet you there. 

Today, we're pulling together the last seven podcasts where we listed 10 tips, and we're going to integrate those top tips from each one of those podcasts into the top three podcasts out of the last 100. So we're taking old material that we've talked about in other podcasts and repurposing them so that they integrate a little bit more. I hope that you enjoy this, because I found it fun to do.
We've been thinking about summertime. You might have been thinking the same thing as me, "It's summer. Let's go play! Can't we have a vacation?"
Maybe you're tired of summer, because maybe those kids have been around, and the time change messes kids up and the change in scheduling has thrown everybody off, and you're tired.
We wanted to remember two things from our  Summer10 tips podcast.
One of them is remember to keep yourself and your kiddos hydrated. Water makes such a difference to our brains and our bodies, and how they feel. It impacts our anxiety, and can often calm us down and soothe us. And, it impacts our creativity, because when we're short on water, we get a headache more quickly. That makes us anxious, and that makes it hard for us to think well and make good decisions. And often in the summertime, there can be more decisions because of the different activities and vacations. 

The other part to this tip (from Episode 93) is to remember to take a vacation. Now maybe, summertime is your busy time, and you just roll your eyes like, "Yeah, that isn't happening." Really what I want you to remember is that taking a little personal breath... (You heard my long slow breath)... Breathe out for a minute. Sit back in that couch or out in the sun, and just let your shoulders relax. It's good for you. And, a vacation for three minutes; a vacation for 45 minutes; a vacation for three hours; a vacation for three days; any vacation... that you give your body and your brain a rest, for just a bit, will help you continue to make the adjustments that you need to get ready for Fall and whatever that might look like. 

Now let’s talk about  Episode 80 which focuses on making adjustments with a new baby, when you already have siblings in the house. When that new little baby arrives there are a lot of adjustments to make.
So let's just remember a couple of things in the adjustment phases.
One of them is is that adjusting usually takes three weeks for the first phase. Then we move it out, and we take another three weeks. So then, there's another phase or another space where people are a little bit more used to the change in routine and the new feelings that come with it. They're a little bit more like okay with the change.
And then, we look at three months. And, by now, we think that some new and necessary skills should be developed. Your newborn could be in a more stable sleep pattern, and their interaction patterns could be more fun. Often, by now the schedules for eating and sleeping are a bit more established - before they change again!
So a newborn is all over the map in terms of when they're sleeping, when they're moving, and how much they're eating. But by three months, we think there's going to be a bit of a schedule in there. It's still messy, but we want there to be some scheduling, and perhaps dependability at a 60 to 70%. 
Our other kiddos, the siblings, are also adjusting to that new little one around. And, they are, each on their own, adjusting to the new person.  It takes them three weeks for them to figure out this little ball of mush is going to stay in their house and space.  Then, three weeks will go by again...keep staying with it, and with them.  Use a lot of patience, a lot of holding hands, looking in their eyes, and giving your littles, not just your newborn, time and attention as your older kiddos work through their emotions, questions and skill-adjustments.
This is intentional attention. Look at them and be actually present with them. Now, I know you're gonna say, "I don't have the time for that." And, I get that. I raised children. I am regularly around the little ones here in my house.
My reminder to you is that it takes more time to argue with your child, than it does to take time and attention to be there with them.
They are going to act out when they need your attention. And, if you've given them positive attention, they probably will act out less. They will be more cooperative is another way to say that. 
So, this is thinking about what is my desire? What do I want my family to look like as we adjust? And if your desire to have cooperative kids, even when there's change, then that often means (for Mom and Dad) that they find a way to be intentional about their time, their touch, and their attention with the other kiddos in the household. 

Oh, how do we do that? In Episodes 94 and 98 we talked about playing. This is part of our 10 Tips, and we talked about playing with our kiddos. And then, we talked about playing with the adults.
And, here's the tip that came from those together: When you're with your kids, pay attention, even when you're so so tired, pay attention to your kiddos signals. They could change how they are and become a little more amped up with the newborn at home. Or, your kiddos might withdraw more when there's a new baby in the household.
Pay attention to what your kiddos are saying as they behave. And, when they need to move faster, adapt your interaction to their speed and energy. I agree. This can be confusing, and you feel like matching their energy and playing with them takes time away from other important things. In the long run, it's time saving.
Playing with your kids means: meeting them where they're at, enjoying what their skills are, not insisting that they act like an adult just because they have a new baby in the house.
But instead, remember that they're just little and take time to pay attention to what your kiddo needs.
What does that two-year-old need, now that we have a new baby in the house?
What does my five-year-old or my seven-year-old need?
Would they thrive in more responsibility and more "attaboys" or "way to go" as they learn new skills and try to do it themselves to help their Mommy? Or, do they need to have a little bit of space to regress and to sit on your lap when you actually put on their shoes, even though they've been doing it for the last six months themselves?
Read their signals and adapt your interaction to them. As you do, they are going to relax, and they're going to move forward in this adjustment phase, so that you don't have to put on their shoes anymore. 

Now, how do you manage this? This is the tip from playing as an adult, and the part for you that takes less energy than being a scowling, crabby, too tired parent is to develop a playful nature. Keep the small things small. When there's blood or fire that needs a deep attention, then make it big.
But otherwise, keep the small things small. The smaller you can keep them, the more playful you can be.
So how does this look in real life? So, I'm coming home from work, and I have the infant in the carrier. I have the two-year-old on my hip. I have a purse, a lunch bag, and the diaper bag on my back. My five-year-old is, sort of, tumbling out behind us and around us, and we're all tripping over each other trying to get through the door.
What's my playful nature?
Do I say, "Uuggh, get out of my way!!!"
Or, "Awww... this is all so heavy,"and I dump it on the floor.
Or, do I laugh for a minute and I say, "Hey, look at when we're all bunched together, we're as fat and big as Humpty Dumpty."
And then, I whomp on the floor with a little bit of a giggle and say, "I think I just cracked. Can you put me back together again?"
That's my playful nature, and it gets my kids giggling, as we flump into the house with all this stuff. And, it helps them make that adjustment into home.
Now, I'm at their level, because I slumped on the floor. And now, I can pull them on my lap for a minute. I can give them a kiss and a hug, and I can laugh with them while they take off their shoes. I can let them pull off my shoes.
I'm going to keep this playful nature, because it's going to help the transition into the house. Now, I know, I'm describing something that just went perfectly as nobody tripped over somebody else, and one of them isn't crying.
But even in my playful nature, where I'm going to keep the small things small, I'm helping my kids make an adjustment. And, in that 32 seconds on the floor, we have taken a 32 second vacation, where things don't really matter besides us being together and glad to be together.

Alright, now we've made it into the house, all of us, and we're sort of bumbling around, getting shoes off, and going, "Okay, what are we going to do for the next phase here?" We probably got to do something about supper, and this little person wants to eat again.
And how do I do snack? And, what's up, right?
The two-year-old has to run to the bathroom.
The five-year-old wants to watch a show and "Hurry up, and where's your phone Mom?" And, there's all of that going on.
I'm going to use the information from Episode 95, where we talked about listening. And, I'm going to work as best I can, even though I'm dirt tired to be curious and kind.
I have my own agenda. I know what I want to get done. And, in some sense, I want to hurry, because bedtime is quickly, quickly, quickly coming upon us. And, there is a witching hour in that that there's only a short space of good time for these kids to go to sleep, or bedtime goes into chaos.
I have my agenda. I know that I will be better off listening carefully to what the kids are saying, and what they're needing. That is read in how they're acting. From those behavior clues I will be able to achieve my agenda by listening and interacting with them in a calm way. So, I will be able to ask my five-year-old who's begging for my phone, and begging for the remote, and wanting to watch a show, and wanting to do it right now. And if I say to them, "Come on over here. Talk to me about what shows you've seen so far today. "I'm just going to pull them in and say, "Tell me what shows you've watched and tell me what you want to watch."
I'm looking for a way to say yes. Because saying”No” at this time is probably not going to go really well.
So I might be able to say, as I pulled him in, "I'd like you to watch a show. And after that, I'd like you to get out the silverware and the plates for supper." And asking, "Would you be able to do that?"
Now, I'm giving them responsibility, but they're right next to me. So, they're going to probably be able to say yes, because I am saying yes. And, I'm going to listen and watch them. "Will you be able to do that?" And, if they're looking all over the place, I'm not sure they're going to be able to do it.
So I might say to them, "Come and look at me and tell me that you can do the dishes, get the plates out and the silverware. You know how to do that. Will you do that?"
I might say, "Do you want to do that first, so that then you can watch the show and relax?" And maybe, they'll say, "Yeah, I do." I have to watch them and pay attention to what their level of energy and interest is.
I'm listening, because I care, not because I'm trying to be terribly pushy or parental. Our tip from Episode 95 about listening is that I'm asking for information, but I'm being curious, and I'm being kind. As I do that, people buy in, even our littles with more cooperation. Because we know we're working for them, and not just trying to do a power play over them. 

Obviously, we're listening to them. I've also just talked to them. That's Episode 96, and I just modeled some words in a way that communicated one of my thoughts (yes, you can see a show) and a need (to get the table set) or a desire (that my 5 year old help with this task).
I used encouragement, clarification, teaching, laughter, touch, to build trust. Talking uses words. But talking is also more than words, because it's communicating our desires. And, as we communicate our desires in a way that encourages, or builds trust with others, our emotions will balance out. They will stay calm. So will the person we're talking with, because when our emotions are balanced with our thoughts, it keeps the cortisol and the adrenaline low. These are two key hormones that flood our brain when we become anxious. They also flood into our kiddos' or spouse's brain when they become anxious. We want those hormones to stay low. And, we want the dopamine and norepinephrine to stay high, so that we are calm, and we can be engaged. And, that happens both in how we listen with compassion, with good kind touch, and how we speak. What our tone is, and what our choice of words are.
This hormone balance is true for little ones as well as our spouse.  
Here’s an example. 
My spouse comes home five minutes after me. I thought they were going to be 10 minutes ahead of me. And, I can say, "Where have you been? We're way behind schedule now!"
Or, I can say, "Hi, It's good to see you. You okay? And, how was work?"
And he may say, "Hey, I just got caught in traffic." Or, "Somebody caught me as I was on my way out." "I'm sorry I'm late."
And we say, "No problem. Here's what's going on. So can you do this?"
Because, we are where we are. Time has been lost and the schedule will need to shift. I've listened, and I've talked. I'm using my calm emotions to keep my spouse's emotions low and calm and to keep us both thinking clearly in spite of the tiredness and the hungries that are going on in the house. 

So...fast forward. We made it through suppertime. Holy smokes! What a full day!
We've taken little moments of vacation through the day.
We've taken time to pay attention to our kids and to remember to play with them and interact with them at their speed with their own relaxed playful nature. We know that in the end that helps us listen better, and it helps us talk and communicate with more ease, with more kindness.
And, you know what that does? That helps us build this space of trustworthiness, and safety, and intimacy. Sexual intimacy, as well as emotional, physical, conversational intimacy develops well when there is deep trust and deep safety on all of those levels: physical, emotional, spiritual, social, and sexual. Slow down enough to be sure that the room for vulnerability that when your spouse looks or says something that just, sort of, aches and breaks your heart that you respond with deep kindness, with deep care. Those things build this trustworthiness, and the sense of safety that says, "I will now give you parts of my body ,and my brain, and my emotions all at the same time." That builds intimacy between husband and wife. 

But, we also want family intimacy, where we are trustworthy and where the kids in the household know that they're safe. We know our kiddos feel safe when the can tell their mom and dad what they're feeling and what their perspective is. They know that their mom and dad are trustworthy. That they are looking out for them...not just making sure that they know how to obey the rules and do exactly what mom and dad say. That's nice if that happens, but I would rather have a household where the kids know that they can trust their mom or dad to help them.
So, if they have been sent upstairs to get their PJs on, but for some reason, their little foot is just too sticky and cannot slide into the footy of the PJ, that they can say to their mom, "My foot is stuck." And, mom or dad will respond with kindness and show their loved one that they are safe, even though their PJs aren't on perfect right now. That's a part of intimacy, and it's a part of what makes a working relationship within your entire household. 

Now you and I both know that we mess up. Kids mess up. Adults mess up. And, we do things, either intentionally or unintentionally that turn out messy because we haven't quite used our words well enough. We haven't felt safe enough to be totally vulnerable with how we've feeling or what we have experienced in an interaction.
And so, we lie, or we just don't do, and we withhold.
And, we're harsh and mean with either an action or a thought.
And then, we need forgiveness. We all tell our kids, "Tell your brother. Tell your cousin. Say you're sorry," and our kids don't fully understand that instruction.
Instead, we would like you to practice in between you and your spouse, as well as helping your kids be able to say, "I am sorry that I did _______...and name that behavior.
And then add, “ I am asking you to forgive me. And next time, I would like to do this instead." Maybe your three-year-old and you can just practice this sentence for the first time, and you're going to have your three-year-old say to your little infant, "I'm sorry I bit you. I won't bite your next time. Next time I will tell Mommy." And, your little infant doesn't have a clue really what's going on, but you're going to help your 3 year old practice those words in a very safe space. .

Maybe your kiddos come home from daycare with somebody who's been mean, you've talked with them about being able to forgive that person and being able to say to Joey, or Susie out at daycare, "I didn't really like what you did to me. That you took my toys, and I've asked you not to. I can see you must be having have had a hard day, and I forgive you for that."
Little ones can say that, so can adults. Forgiveness is a decision, and it moves us to choose our thoughts and our emotions for the good of ourselves and for others so that we don't hang on to the ugly behavior, or interaction, or painful space, but instead we're able to move our thoughts into places that are okay and safe. 

These are supernatural and spiritual decisions. I encourage you practice them between each other.
Do forgiveness quickly. When it's a bigger thing, slow down and take the time to process and understand, not just what happened in the behavior, but what the motivation was underneath. Go back to Episode 97, if you need a little bit more refreshing on that one. 

All of what we have talked about helps to develop a really good marriage. We talk about that in Episode 80.
We talk about the values that you bring into your marriage. Values are core parts of your identity. Some of my values are that I highly value kindness. I also value effectiveness and efficiency. And, I bring those things into my household. It's part of who I am. We all bring our values into the way we use the Necessary skills that we talked through in Episode 78. For example, when I see something not being very kind, I say, "THAT... how you just said that is not...  doesn't feel very kind to me." And in some way, I'm going to say, "It makes me want to back up or hesitate from you."
Now, I can become instantly mad, by not managing my emotional self. (Another one of those necessary skills is knowing myself and taking care of myself, so that I don't fly off the handle.) I can be aware of what's happening to me and give my emotions and my thoughts some space to balance out before I move into talking about that disconnection and insult that I felt  from the meanness that I thought I saw.
As I talk, I'll use a tone and an approach with my body and my behavior that says, "I'm curious. I want you to hear me, but I'm also curious what's going on with you.
Because you see, talking and listening, two core skills here, are necessarily together. They are linked. And, our tone of voice will interact with how we touch, and how we sit, how our eyes look, whether or not we're sighing or slouching, whether or not we have our fists clenched, whether or not our eyes piercing like, "I'm going to kill you..." a look that kills, or whether or not they're tender and kind.
That listening and talking together, while we manage my own emotions and they help us build these beautiful connections that release those lovely hormones that helps us, not just be relationally connected but also emotionally connect.
And as we do, we’ll be more willing to touch in a way that we know is encouraging, or comforting, caring. And, that often calms down on our hearts. Lets us become more vulnerable. Lets us become more compassionate, and cooperative, and caring towards anyone in our household. 

As we use those five skills, and they grow, we see that we honor our spouse. That we want to give them the best. We want to cheer them into the best. And, as we honor them, we protect them from getting hurt. We make sure that if they need something to move forward, and we have it, we offer it to them.
So, if we see them leaving the house without their phone, we don't go, "Aww... they're gonna forget it. Yeah, there they go." Instead, we remind them, "Hey, running out... here's your phone." Because, it's honoring through protecting and helping.
When we're under tension, and we're not sure exactly what's going on or how we feel, I would suggest this next skill:Giving Benefit of the Doubt.
This is understanding that we often do not have all the information. We do not fully know what's going on inside of our kiddo, or inside of our spouse, sometimes within inside our own selves. And so, we pause for a minute to say, maybe there's more information. I might be wiser to slow down, not make this such a rushed, crazy, adrenaline filled interaction, but instead, take a breath and say, "I think... let's talk about this in a little bit."
And, get your cortisol and adrenaline to slow down. It takes at least 20 minutes of calm thinking and clear breathing to lower those hormones.  Once they are lowered, you can wonder about the other person’s perspective? What are they experiencing? Why, in their mind, was this a good way to approach this? Benefit of the doubt is calmly looking at all the different perspectives, without being quite so judgy, but calm curiosity instead.  

And, that helps us in this final skill of turning towards each other -even when we're mad. It means looking each other, getting eye contact; holding hands; and saying,
"I'm more worried about us being okay in our relationship than I am about me being right."; "I care more about you and our relationship than about whether or not I've proved my point."
It puts our spouse and the relationship at the top. Where it's honored. Where it's protected. Where we don't have to feel frightened. But instead, we feel cherished. We feel precious, and we feel very, very safe. 

These skills are true.  We can use them for anyone in our family. I've just talked about some of them from your spouse's space. But you know what? We practice and start these skills with our little ones from the time they're born. We just apply them a little bit differently.
We've just run through all of these skills, It's a little bit longer podcast. I want to thank you for staying with me.
You can see that as we remember to give ourselves good food, and lots of water, and take little breaks, that we can develop that playful nature that we can pass on to our kids.
As we pay attention to them and work to match and care for our kids' needs, in spite of all the adjusting we are doing as well (new baby, home, job, location…), we can remember that these adjustments take time for our kiddos and for us.
As we listen with our eyes and with our ears and stay curious, we'll be able to talk and process those changes with the adults around us, but also with our little ones. Our emotions will stay balanced with our thoughts and that will keep the hormones from not overtaking our brain, but letting our brain electricity just work really well.
Then we can stay curious.
We can understand accurately, and we can problem solve with good creativity.
This will set up safety and trustworthiness, so that we can forgive. We can live into our true selves, and we can move from one skill to another, no matter what situation are you in.
I know I talk like this is easy. And I know, that it takes intentional work.
So I want to remind you that  the Us and Kids Podcast always has a printable. And, on the Us and Kids website, the course for Us and Kids Communication Program is also available. Take a look at it. If you have questions, be sure to hop on the Us and Kids Podcast Facebook page and send me a message or, send me an email at Jan@usandkids, and I'll be sure to answer any of your questions.
I am always honored that you have joined me, and I thank you again for bringing me to and bringing us to Episode 100.
Bye, bye.
~  Jan